nicoleal20's Blog

That is how I feel today. I don't care about anything and I don't want to do anything. I know I wrote earlier that I thought the lamictal was working. Now I am taking 100mg a day and I'm not so sure anymore. My daughter said I seemed to have been better without it. Maybe she is right. I see the psych on the 30th. I'll see what he says.

My hair looks and feels awful. I hate it. I want to cut all of it off, and if I don't get this job at Walgreens I'm going to do it. I never want to comb it. it's dry, brittle and breaking. Too many perms. When it grows back i am thinking of getting some locks, something that I do not have to comb.

On another note, I decided to tell my husband that I have offically thrown in the towel regarding our sex life. I don't think we will ever have one again and I'm ok with that. That's all I have to say about it.

I'm going to have another cup of coffee or tea. My mouth is so dry from the meds.

later gator..

I havent written in some time because I haven't been on this site as much. This site used to be a place of comfort for me. Now it's just another website. let me update you on a few things.

first, I had a very brief chat with L about a week  ago. I told her she had no guts and I knew it was her. She blocked me but it's ok. I'm sure she got the point. I am so tired of her. I think she is calling r and then hangiing up. I know she will will make a comeback. I'll be ready for her.

The lamictal seems to be working some days and other days i am numb. I mean, i don't care about anything anymore. i don't care if r comes home or not. i don't care about the walgreens job. I don't care how i look or how the house looks. I didn't clean up for 3 weeks until the house was beyond disgusting.  I just want to get away from here sometimes because i am tired of this place, tired of being the bill payer, the housekeeper, the landcaper. I just want to be nicole for a little while. I want to touch and be touched by someone.

I'm dreaming of course. Nothing ever changes.

 I haven't blogged on here in over a month. I'm not much of a blogger anymore, but i just wanted to check in anyway.

nothing is new. no call yet from walgreens. they are still building the store. My husband won't be home until October. 3 months out. the economy is so bad that staying out that long is the only way he can make money.

I'm still sort of iffy about W. I talked to him online briefly and I sent him a note on FB but that's it. we just don't talk anymore. and even though it makes me sad sometimes, I'm ok with it. The other day it almost happened with B. he got mad because i did not finish the conversation with him that we had going via text. but i told him i was not feeling well, and i truly wasn't. still, he got all stinky about  it. I was about to say fuck him too but he came around.

It seems like the people i used to talk to online aren't around anymore. Even on FB I feel a little alienated. One thing i truly hate is writing something on someone's wall on FB and not getting a response. Nothing. Not even a 'go to hell, bitch!' But i notice their activities on other people's pages and it just irks me. I'm thinking of shutting all of my accounts, FB, MS, the whole kaboodle. What's the point of being on a social networking site if no one wants to be social with me? 

My mood lately: sigh..unmotivated. absolutely no drive to do anything. hopefully that will improve. Tomorrow I am making an appt with a doctor for a checkup. This pain in my sisde isn't going away. I want to know what it is before it becomes serious.

more later...

It has been a boring week. I haven't done much, not even cleaned. Just haven't been in the mood. I'm kind of sort of not talking to W. I know, what was it this time? Just the usual feeling that I'm being blown off. Yeah, I know. My remedy to that was not exactly mature but it's all I could think of. I did some heavy thinking about it a few days ago. If a person is not meeting my needs as a friend, then why continue the friendship? I like W. I really do. He can be a good friend. But a lot of times I feel like he's purposely ignoring me. Take last week. I hadn't really talked to him in some time. I texted him and dropped him an email but I got no response. I logged in so he could see I was on messenger, and I know he was online but he never responded to me. I can understand if a person does not want to chat. Sometimes I am online and I don't want to chat either. But if you don't want to be bothered then why not become invisible? That's what I do when I don't feel like chatting with everybody. But I am beginning to think that he just does not want to chat with me. So I removed him from my friends lists. I figured if I don't see him online I won't think about it and it won't bother me.  he sent me a message the other day but I ignored it, just the way he ignored mine. Once again, how mature..

Before things like that used to really bother me. It used to bring my mood down. I would agonize over it for days. That was the old me. The new me says in the grand scheme of things, W blowing me off is like one speck of sand on the beach that is my life. So why stress over it? 

On another note, the right side of my face is swollen. I have one of those mouth sores all the way in the back of my mouth near the jawbone. It hurts just to think about it. I hope it stops hurting before the weekend is over. I can hardly eat anything.

That's all there is for now. more later..

 It's going to feel a little weird when my husband leaves. it will just be the cat and myself for the rest of the week. I have no plans on doing anything except maybe cleaning behind the fridge and stove. I always hate doing that because I don't want to see what's back there. yesterday I cleaned behind the washer and dryer and a big palmetto bug was back there. Fortunately it was dead but I didn't know that before I let a huge scream. My husband laughed at me, but he got rid of it. Ah, the joys of living in the south. If it's not a cricket it is one of those bugs, or ants. In New York we also had ants but not the little ones. We had the big black ones. Couldn't even hang clothes out on the line because they used it as their highway. 

I reapplied at Walgreens today. Hopefully this will be the final time I will need to apply. The store is not finished yet but at least the parking lot has been paved. I hope I get it. I so need something to do. The extra money can also help pay for college for me. If I don't get a position there I am going to be very upset. I kinda feel like this is my time now. This is the time for me to get back to work and school and start moving forward with my life. The days of sitting still are coming to an end for me.

more later..

Today we dropped my daughter off at the airport to take her first plane ride to IL. This is the first time she is travelling alone.  I'm going to miss her next week but I hope she has a good time.

Today i am babysitting my nephew's 3 kids. they are BUSY!!! But we don't see them much so it's all good. I think my husband got the better end of the deal. He's babysitting the youngest who is j6 weeks old and they are both lying down in the bedroom resting.. In the meantime, the livingroom is a mess and there is already something purple and sticky on the floor. I have plenty of time to clean it later.

I stopped taking the wellbutrin the other week. The constipation was too much. The downside is that it has affected my mood. My feel good days are now sort of bleah but ok. Still no job but I have not given up the new store being built up the road.We really need the money. It's at a critical point now and every week is a hope that it will be better. Sometimes it is. I know next week it will be bad because my husband did not have one load this past week. Not one. Lord help us... 

I know it has been a long time since I wrote here. Part of me hasn't felt a need to. When I am feeling down I blog more so I must be feeling better, right?

Well, yes, sort of. I am not depressed. FOr the first time in my life I can say I am not depressed. I feel okay. Not wow! or great! but okay. and for me that is good. The only thing that has been bugging me is the fatigue. Before I was ok, energetic, ready to get up and go. These past few weeks my butt has been dragging and all I want to do is sleep. I think tomorrow i am not going to take any vistaril to help me sleep. It's possible that it is lingering too long. I also started taking the prozac in the evening because it might also be a cause of the fatigue. I stopped taking the wellbutrin temporarily because it made me very constipated. Its funny but before i wasn't having any of these side effects. why do they decide to pop up now?

SInce I last wrote about Christy nothing has happened. I took D's advice  and let it go. Why? well, part of me just doesn't care anymore. He has his life and I have mine. I won't go into detail. I will only say that my closet is not empty. i have my own skeletons..

My plan for going back to college is still with me. I just need some money to have my records released from the last college. Or maybe  will see if I can just forget it, bypass it. It's been 15 yrs now. The credits might now even count anymore. I actually look forward to going back to school. It's time I got on with my life. I want to have a degree by the time I am 45. I want to have a career shortly thereafter.

Got to keep moving forward...

ok, somebody please tell me if this makes any sense.
there is this woman named christy who is supposed to be married to a man named mike.they are friends of friends of friends of my husband's. they needed some info on how to fix their 1990 chevy cavalier.that explains the dozens of phone calls and text messages to and from my husband and christy. but wait, there is more. christy is supposedly unemployed. or is she? the phone records also show calls made to an amoco gas station up the road. guess what? a woman named christy works there. coincidence? according to my husband, yes. it's all coincidence. there is no illicit meetings, no emotional affair going on. just conicidence that all of these pieces fall so neatly into place. my husband denies everything. and me? well, i am tired of his bs. part of me doesn't even care anymore. he's a liar and a cheater and he will always be that way...

I can't sleep. Today was an okay day except for one thing: Lisa. If you go all the way back to my first blogs I mention her. She is the ex girlfriend of my husband. For the past 2 or 3 years she has been trying to worm her way back into his life. She has stalked me online, written me nasty messages, etc. Today she wrote me on Facebook  to tell me she and my husband have been talking on his other cell phone, and the reason the bill has been higher is because she is sending him pictures of herself all the time. Ok. I asked my husband and he first tried to tapdance around it and deny it but he finally admitted it. I figured he was talking to someone on that phone. He thinks he is being slick but he isn't. He thinks he can just keep telling me all kinds f lies but he can't. I am trying extremely hard not t let this get to me but it does. It's not so much that he has talked to her. It's the fact that he lied about it. Why does he continue to do that? Doesn't he get it yet? I am disappointed in him, and I am also tired. I want so badly to forget all of this because I don't want it upsetting me. SO I am trying to stuff my feelings about it. Not let it get to me. I don't know what else my husband has lied about but when he gets home I am certainly going to ask him. I also would like to see that phone. I asked him how did she get his number. He gave me some lameass story about how he had gotten texts from her and he didn't know who it was from. But somehow he managed to give her his other phone number. Now I'm beginning to feel very angry. He's playing me. he says he won't let anything come between us but he talks to this woman. he lets her in.WHy? Is he lonely on the road, bored, what? That's what I would like to know. So now, while he is probably sleeping like a baby, I'm sitting here wondering what is worng with me that I am not enough for him? And how many more lies are there that he has not told me? How many other women? Lots of questions but there will never be any answers because he will lie. That's what he does the best.

I decided after much thought that I am going to stop taking the prozac and forget about the wellbutrin right now. I simply cannot afford it. I have no idea when I will be able to get to the VA so for now I am not going to agonize over whether or not i can afford pills that don't seem to be working for me in the first place. When I ran out of prozac before and didn't take it for 2 weeks, I noticed no difference.

We'll see what happens...

I can't sleep. Well, I haven't been trying hard to sleep anyway. My husband called around 9 to say goodnite and tell me where he was and it kind of broke me out of the bit of sleepiness I was feeling. So I've been up surfing the web. I did a little twittering and looking on the depression forums website to read about different antidepressants. I plan on discussing them with Dr. S. at my next visit if this combo doesn't work. I must not be afraid to talk to him about this. After all it's MY body and MY money. It's so easy for him to recommend a high dollar drug. The drug reps put him up to it. I mean, remeron is an antidepressant that isn't used so much anymore but there it is. Why not try it? It's affordable. I could also just do without an antidepressant. I managed for a while without one. I just took the geodon. I know, I know. It spells disaster, right? I might not feel so numb, though.

No funny head feeling at all today. Hurray! My tummy was slightly gurgly but it might have been from the chili I had for dinner. I looked over my other blogs again and I realized today that this prozac hasn't really worked that well since Sept.when I started taking it. Oh, there were some good days but also a lot more blah days than I think there should have been. There was one blog where I was on day 32 and still feeling like crap. But it does take 6 to 8 weeks to really get into your system. Maybe 3 pills is what I need instead of two. I haven't started taking 3 yet because I need to count my pills and see how many days I can take 3 pills before I run out. I think I'll check now. brb...
Ok, I have enough pills to last me 11 days if I take 3 starting on Sunday. By then my  husband will be paid again and I will be able to fill the script for wellbutrin and more prozac, I hope. This economy.. it's depressing. I hope the VA made an appt for me. I will call on Monday to see if they have. AT least with them I can get 90 days worth of pills for 24 bucks; still a little more than the pharmacies with the drug cards but I don't have to pay up front and all I have to do is come online to request a refill.

I'm tempted, since I am up, to watch Q of S again. My favorite part is during the opera when Bond and Dominic Greene stand there staring at each other. And then the gunfight ensues throughout the dining room while the opera music plays in the background. I just thought it was cool. The one part that confused me was the part where Mathis lays dying in the street and Bond asks him if Mathis is his cover name. he says yes. At first I thought this indicated that somehow Mathis was involved with those people but after looking it up online I got it figured out.
Ok, now I am rambling, taking advantage of this ok feeling. Hope it hangs in all day tomorrow too.

 So W tells me I have the power to make a difference in my depression. I guess he has some kind of point. How do you regain control when you feel like you have no control? How do I tell my brain to stop when the depression comes on all of a sudden, with no warning whatsoever, for no reason? right now I wish I was not conscious. I wish i was in some state of hibernation because I don't know if i can cope with these waves anymore. My husband said i should go out, get some fresh air. I don't even want to. I guess i should do it even if i don't want to. that's what you call fighting it. but i don't care enough to fight anymore. i don't care about myself enough to put forth any more effort into trying to get better. in other words, I give up today. maybe tomorrow I will pick up this load and carry on but right now what's the point.

So I come on here every so often and blah blah blah about the same stupid thing. I feel so low. I'm so depressed. blah blah blah.. Who even cares? who are the people who even read this blog? I wonder. And what do they think of me. Boy, she sure is depressed a lot. That's what I would think. I mean, it's been at least 33 years. That's  how long I have known I've been depressed. I'm 41. And at this point in time I am tired of trying to live with this cloud hanging over me. And the medication.. all it does it make me numb. I don't feel depressed because I don't feel anything. Now somehow i feel numb and depressed. how can that be? I don't know.

It's 6:49. I am going to wash the dishes, put back on my pajamas, put my eye drops in and get back into the bed. Tomorrow I will get up and walk to the counseling center to see the psych where i will pour out all that I have been feeling these past few months. and he will either try to put me on a new med that i probably can't afford or up the dosage on the prozac. We'll see.

On a final note, I haven't spoken much to W. I am finding that I don't have a whole lot to say to him anymore. I feel like I want more from him but I don't know what. So I keep my distance. I guess a part of me had hoped he would be a little more concerned about my well being since I told him I was feeling so low. When he was down I tried to keep in communication with him but he's pretty much left me alone. I kind of understand that he's trying to get better too. It's hard to seek support from someone who suffers from the same thing as I do. I thought it would be easier but maybe it's triggering to him. I feel like I need people in my corner right now because I feel a little out of control and overwhelmed. This depression that I'm feeling is so out of the blue. Usually there is a reason why I'm down but I have no reason. And even that is beginning to make me feel sad because I don't know how to stop it, especially since I don't care about anything right now.

tomorrow is another day. We'll see what happens..

So my mood has been up and down like a yo-yo. One day I am ok and then the next I feel terrible. I upped my appointment with the psych for the 24th. Maybe he'll have some much needed answers. My husband ran something past me that I had not considered before: repressed anger. Maybe, just maybe I am feeling depressed because of my nephew being here. I've been trying hard to be ok with it. I mean, it's just 5 more months. But he said maybe, deep inside I resent him being here because it totally throws off our summer plans and it messes with my comfort zone. Basically, I didn't want the responsibility. It was thrust upon me and yes, it bothers me. But part of me doesn't even care anymore. Part of me doesn't care about anything anymore. Part of me would like to drop everything and walk away from this life. Just get on the train and ride. Stop here and there for something to eat, sites to see. Then ride some more, no worries, no kids, no husband, no cat, no anything. Part of me wants to stop taking these pills. I started prozac and I became more anxious and eventually more depressed. SO how is it helping? The geodon.. doesn't even help me sleep like it used to. So I take the vistaril for that and the anxiety. Before I didn't even need it. But it seems like I have started having little anxiety attacks for lord knows what reason. They just come on out of the blue. On top of all of that I feel numb. Blank. I don't even have it in me to cry anymore. When I think about things that used to bother me before I don't even have the energy in my mind to give a hoot anymore. To me everything is like, oh well and I don't care so why think about it.
I am nothing. Just a shell of a person going through the motions every day, for what reason, I ask? I have no idea. I mean, why do I get up every day and shower, have coffee, get on the pc, watch tv, feed the cat? Why? To be honest, I don't feel like doing any of those things. To be honest, I don't feel like doing anything. Not a single thing. Everything that I do is forced. I hurry so I can get back to doing nothing. Today I washed a sinkful of dishes, swept the floor, took a shower, folded my laundry, brushed my teeth and dressed in 15 minutes. And combed my hair too. What I really wanted to do today was stay in the bed, stay under the covers. But the laptop started acting stupid and I just knew I had to fix the problem. I can't have this machine not working when my husband comes home. He would be very upset. SO after tinkering with it for about an hour I was finally able to fix the problem. But here's the thing.. I didn't want to. I didn't care. it could have stayed in its broken state until my husband took it to Geeksquad for all I cared. I have no motivation or genuine regard for anything these days. The trip to NY? Probably won't happen but I truly don't mind one way or the other. Go, don't go. Who cares? I don't. Same thing with riding on the truck.
I checked out some books from the library, one of them being the latest from J. California Cooper. She is one of my favorite authors. I haven't even been able to finish the book. I haven't gotten halfway through. I've had the book for a week now. I am not able to focus on the words. The story seems very interesting but I just can't get into it. My life is whizzing by and i can't seem to get ahold of it. This depression.. every time i think i am doing better I'm not. I bet the dr. will up the dosage on the prozac. Then I will have to see him in a month. The only good thing about all of this is that I have not had any suicidal thoughts . It's like I dont care enough to put forth the effort it would take to kill myself. But I worry that it might change. Sometimes this feeling makes me hold my head, wanting it to go away, silently screaming to myself.
 

kitty on my leg

hours tick by so slowly

where are sheep to count?

So I answered the question about what would I do if I knew the hour of my death, and my answer was flagged. What gives? Surprisingly, it was also chosen as best answer. I didn't say I was going to hang myself or anything.. My first "flag".. I feel like a true EP veteran now...sniff