Up Early | nicoleal20's Blog

I woke up at 3:40 and have not been able to go back to sleep. I started looking at all my past moods from the last two years (almost) and I noticed I felt blah and unhappy a lot. Not much has changed either. I noticed I never put that I felt happy. SInce I really don't know what it means to be happy I have never felt comfortable using that mood.

W sent me two emails the other day. I have not opened them yet. I know. I've been doing some thinking and maybe I was a bit too hard on him. WHen I'm down I push people away too. I don't know.  SOmetimes he brings to mind a friend collector. You know, those people who just like to have a quantity of friends but never really make true, longlasting friendships. I'm not good at making friends. People tend to misunderstand me. It's not that I'm this complex being. It's just that sometimes people act as though I am not present in the room. They completely ignore me, even when I am talking to them. SO I don't talk much. Then they say I am stuck up because I am so quiet. It's a no win thing. With W, I think because we both are so sensistive we clash at times. To me he is a warm person but he thinks to much. Everything has to be evaluated and re-evaluated. Just do it already! I can be that way to sometimes, thinking too hard about things. Maybe that's why I clash with W. I see too much of myself in him and it disgusts me.

Today I must clean, much to my dismay. I have the bathroom, living room, bedroom and kitchen to do. Plus, I have laundry as well. If I start early I can be done in an hour, believe it or not. Our house is small so it doesn't take that long to clean. My husband won't be home for two more weeks. This new job is going to take some getting used to. Being out for 4 to 5 weeks at a time and then coming in for what he says will be 4 or 5 days is going to be hard for me. The feelings of abandonment start to creep up on me and I become frustrated. Plus, I don't see how he is going to be able to be out five weeks and home 5 days. That means he will lose one week of pay for every five weeks he is out. I know it is just not going to work out that way. We're barely able to save any money now. I have to play mad catchup with all of the bills for the next couple of months. As my husband and I always say, we'll manage.

I guess I could make some coffee now. more later..