Another Blowout | nicoleal20's Blog

The other day I had another blowout with my husband. I was ready to call it quits too. He started talking to this woman he met online again, whom I hate, and he got a secret cell phone. he gave her his number but he didn't give it to me. I had to find out on my own. I was shocked and upset, but not as upset as I was when all of this began 3 years ago. Back then I was a wreck. I blamed him, blamed myself, and eventually ended up in the hospital twice when I could not control my sorrow or anger. This time was very different. As hard as I tried to be furious at him, I just wasn't. I was disappointed but overall I felt tired. Simply tired of going through this again. I told him I was done, and I meant it. Then yesterday morning I had this dream. I dreamed I was so angry and full of rage, like I was when I destroyed that psychiatrist's office. When I woke up I felt terrible. it made me think, perhaps all that anger I felt in my dream was what I felt towards my husband but was internalizing it. I sat and thought for a while and came to the conclusion that despite how I felt, there was really no way to stop him from talking to this woman. I could either accept it and move on or not accept it and fight him tooth and nail over it. So what's so terrible about this woman? Well, 3 years ago they started chatting online. It didn't bother me. I had online friends too. But his conversations with her took a different turn. They began to seem more romantic. He started talking to her on the phone on his way to work each morning.She was also married and her husband felt the same way about them chatting as I did. Long story short, after a great deal of arguing, my husband finally stopped talking to her. But as soon as he came on vacation two weeks ago and got that phone he decided to start things up again. So yesterday I told him that it wasn't so much him talking to her as it was him keeping it a secret. If there is nothing going on between the two of them then why keep it a secret? I told him if he was just honest with me about it and stopped trying to hide everything I wouldn't feel so threatened. So he apologized for going about it the wrong way and although he said he wasn't going to talk to her , I know he will. I just want it all to be out in the open, nothing to hide. I forgave him. I have to thank the good folks at the pharmaceutical companies for it because the pills really helped me see things from a different perspective. They did not allow me to wallow in anger and self pity. To be frank, I didn't really care about it as much as I used to. Like I said, i felt tired and I certainly did not feel like fighting with him. I didn't yell or argue. I just talked.

My husband sometimes only sees the old me, the me that used to argue about everything and cry all the time. He sometimes doesn't see that the medication and therapy has helped change me a great deal. He told me he didn't telll me about the phone because he knows how I get. No, he doesn't know anymore. I would not have argued with him. I even told him a few months ago that he needed to get a prepaid cell phone for those times when he couldn't get a signal on the nextel.

For now, I'm gong to try not to overthink this too much because if I do, I'm going to become angry. We settled it and what's done is done.

On another note, I have been a bit blah but not so much as before. I still have little motivation but I think it's because I've been this way for so long that it's hard to break the habit. The prozac gives me the push but I have to keep moving on my own. Something to work on for the new year. I didn't make any resolutions this year except to lose some weight. So far I'm not doing too well. Perhpas I can get back into the swing of it now that I've eaten that bag of M&Ms.