Blockout | nicoleal20's Blog

I've been off the geodon for about 4 or 5 days. So far I feel pretty ok. I mean, I did lose control on Sat but otherwise I feel fine. I'm trying to keep it together. I am wondering if I even need to be on this medication anymore. yes, it does help with my anger, irrational thoughts and such. Still, I wonder if I have reached a point where I can do without it.
On another note, this is one of those weeks where I don't want to be bothered. My friend W sent me an email yesterday. he said he was sorry for blowing me off. I haven't responded yet. What can I say? it's not the first time he has done this. he's a really good friend but i started to get the hint when every time we talked he would have to go. Something came up, he would say, or he had to go out. I imagine that he probably just made himself invisible so I would not see him online. yeah, it ticked me off but I just decided to leave him alone for now. i don't feel like dealing with him and his ultra highs and lows at the moment. Then there is D. We haven't talked too much since he started this new job. He says he is always busy. I was texting him every day but I decided to cut that out because I like people to actually respond to my texts. Plus, when he calls me he spends the next 20 minutes to a half an hour just talking about what he's doing and how he's doing and how the job is and blah blah blah. I don't say a single word because he doesn't stop talking. So now I'm tired of it. I mean, I like being a part of the conversation too. Every time he is done dominating the conversation he says he has to go. Well, I'm not even going to give him the opportunity to do that anymore. I put my phone on a profile so it only rings when certain people call me. otherwise it just lets me know I missed a call. He's not one of those people. yes, he is one of my very best friends but his actions are annoying. One of these days I guess I will tell him that I would like a chance to talk too, even if I don't have much to say. He almost acts like I wait with bated breath just to hear about his work every week. How about, how are you doing, Nic? What's new with you? how have you been feeling? how's the job hunt going? Nope, he just goes on and on about himself and then hangs up. I figure he'll get the picture after a while.
I seem to be the sounding board for most of my friends. I guess it's not a bad thing but I like to talk sometimes too. C does the same thing as D. I let her talk because I know she is pretty much homebound because of her health, but sheesh! She barely gives me a chance to say anything. She will ask how I am doing and then proceed to tell me yet another story I have already heard before I can fully respond. J does the same thing too. It's very hard with him to say what's on my mind because he pauses for a moment and I always mistakenly think I can say something in that pause. But no, he starts talking again and doesn't stop until he has to hang up. he doesn't even stop when I say I have to hang up. I'm beginning to feel like nobody cares what i think or what I'm doing.So I say to heck with them for now. let them find somebody else to unload on.