Note from a trucker's wife | nicoleal20's Blog

My husband has been a trucker for over 20 years. He complains sometimes but he has told me a good number of times that he loves the job. I have not always loved it. The separation can be really..draining, and it gets old fast. But,  that is what he did when I met him so I cannot complain.

But here I guess I will. Or maybe it is not so much complaining as it is an observation.

My husband and I are moving in two different directions. He is leasing a truck so he is his own business. He decides what loads he will take, where to buy fuel, all the stuff an owner operator would do. He works hard, drives long hours. He is not home every day or even every month, so spending time with him is limited. Right now he is the only breadwinner. I'm looking but no bites yet. These days everything is about dollars and cents. He complains that I don't have a job. He complains sometimes that he has to run hard (his words)  to make ends meet.  We have no marriage life. When he is home he is naturally tired, and I don't ask him to do anything. I do the stuff a wife would do for her husband. When he is watching that all so boring Military Channel, I will sit in the living room with him even though I am totally done with watching yet another show about Hitler and Nazi Germany. It's either that or Star Wars. It's cool though, because that is what married couples do, they put up with those little things to make their spouses happy.

Lately I have been wondering, what do I get out of it? While he is alone in his truck I am alone here. When he comes in maybe I would like to watch something that we both enjoy. Maybe I would like to go out to eat, or go bowling or something. Maybe I would like someone else to get up, feed the dogs and the cat and bring me breakfast in bed. Just one time.

But, I cannot ask these things. All it does is spark an argument. I don't ask for much. I don't spend up his money. I don't fuss at him anymore about not being home. I don't complain about all the things he promises he will do and does not want me to do, but never does them. I do what I know how to do myself, and if I cannot do it I find someone who will. I don't complain that he sleeps most of the weekend so in essence I am still alone. I know he is tired and needs all the rest he can get. I know he misses having home cooked meals and watching cable tv. If I gather up the nerve to say something his response is, " look, I'm the one who's paying the bills. I don't see you working. You want a roof over your head, right? You want to eat, right? Somebody has to pay these bills. You just don't understand. When I run hard (?) I get tired. When I come home I don't feel like doing anything. You're here all day. When you're tired all you have to do is lie down and take a nap, which you do anyway. All you do is wake up, feed the dogs and put them out, feed the cat, and then go back to bed. Then you get up later and clean up a little, let the dogs in for treats, watch tv and then let the dogs out. After that maybe you will make dinner, feed the dogs, let them in after awhile, eat, take your meds, and go to sleep. On Fridays you pay the bills. Sometimes you will enter in stuff onto the spreadsheet ( that I made from scratch mind you, to keep track of his expenses, income, and taxes). When you get a job  then maybe I can take some time off without worrying how the bills will get paid. I'm tired of supporting everybody (me). Why doesn't anybody (me) support me sometimes?"

After all of that I feel like a speck on the floor and say nothing more.

Dollars and cents. Not, hey lets do something together. Instead it's, I'm going to do this and I expect you to be there and it will be our together time whether you like it or not, BECAUSE I MAKE THE MONEY AND YOU DON'T. Period.

Gosh, I hope someone hires me.

Dollars and cents.
My mood: very blah

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