Another day another day... | nicoleal20's Blog

 So W tells me I have the power to make a difference in my depression. I guess he has some kind of point. How do you regain control when you feel like you have no control? How do I tell my brain to stop when the depression comes on all of a sudden, with no warning whatsoever, for no reason? right now I wish I was not conscious. I wish i was in some state of hibernation because I don't know if i can cope with these waves anymore. My husband said i should go out, get some fresh air. I don't even want to. I guess i should do it even if i don't want to. that's what you call fighting it. but i don't care enough to fight anymore. i don't care about myself enough to put forth any more effort into trying to get better. in other words, I give up today. maybe tomorrow I will pick up this load and carry on but right now what's the point.

So I come on here every so often and blah blah blah about the same stupid thing. I feel so low. I'm so depressed. blah blah blah.. Who even cares? who are the people who even read this blog? I wonder. And what do they think of me. Boy, she sure is depressed a lot. That's what I would think. I mean, it's been at least 33 years. That's  how long I have known I've been depressed. I'm 41. And at this point in time I am tired of trying to live with this cloud hanging over me. And the medication.. all it does it make me numb. I don't feel depressed because I don't feel anything. Now somehow i feel numb and depressed. how can that be? I don't know.

It's 6:49. I am going to wash the dishes, put back on my pajamas, put my eye drops in and get back into the bed. Tomorrow I will get up and walk to the counseling center to see the psych where i will pour out all that I have been feeling these past few months. and he will either try to put me on a new med that i probably can't afford or up the dosage on the prozac. We'll see.

On a final note, I haven't spoken much to W. I am finding that I don't have a whole lot to say to him anymore. I feel like I want more from him but I don't know what. So I keep my distance. I guess a part of me had hoped he would be a little more concerned about my well being since I told him I was feeling so low. When he was down I tried to keep in communication with him but he's pretty much left me alone. I kind of understand that he's trying to get better too. It's hard to seek support from someone who suffers from the same thing as I do. I thought it would be easier but maybe it's triggering to him. I feel like I need people in my corner right now because I feel a little out of control and overwhelmed. This depression that I'm feeling is so out of the blue. Usually there is a reason why I'm down but I have no reason. And even that is beginning to make me feel sad because I don't know how to stop it, especially since I don't care about anything right now.

tomorrow is another day. We'll see what happens..