Checking In | nicoleal20's Blog

So my mood has been up and down like a yo-yo. One day I am ok and then the next I feel terrible. I upped my appointment with the psych for the 24th. Maybe he'll have some much needed answers. My husband ran something past me that I had not considered before: repressed anger. Maybe, just maybe I am feeling depressed because of my nephew being here. I've been trying hard to be ok with it. I mean, it's just 5 more months. But he said maybe, deep inside I resent him being here because it totally throws off our summer plans and it messes with my comfort zone. Basically, I didn't want the responsibility. It was thrust upon me and yes, it bothers me. But part of me doesn't even care anymore. Part of me doesn't care about anything anymore. Part of me would like to drop everything and walk away from this life. Just get on the train and ride. Stop here and there for something to eat, sites to see. Then ride some more, no worries, no kids, no husband, no cat, no anything. Part of me wants to stop taking these pills. I started prozac and I became more anxious and eventually more depressed. SO how is it helping? The geodon.. doesn't even help me sleep like it used to. So I take the vistaril for that and the anxiety. Before I didn't even need it. But it seems like I have started having little anxiety attacks for lord knows what reason. They just come on out of the blue. On top of all of that I feel numb. Blank. I don't even have it in me to cry anymore. When I think about things that used to bother me before I don't even have the energy in my mind to give a hoot anymore. To me everything is like, oh well and I don't care so why think about it.
I am nothing. Just a shell of a person going through the motions every day, for what reason, I ask? I have no idea. I mean, why do I get up every day and shower, have coffee, get on the pc, watch tv, feed the cat? Why? To be honest, I don't feel like doing any of those things. To be honest, I don't feel like doing anything. Not a single thing. Everything that I do is forced. I hurry so I can get back to doing nothing. Today I washed a sinkful of dishes, swept the floor, took a shower, folded my laundry, brushed my teeth and dressed in 15 minutes. And combed my hair too. What I really wanted to do today was stay in the bed, stay under the covers. But the laptop started acting stupid and I just knew I had to fix the problem. I can't have this machine not working when my husband comes home. He would be very upset. SO after tinkering with it for about an hour I was finally able to fix the problem. But here's the thing.. I didn't want to. I didn't care. it could have stayed in its broken state until my husband took it to Geeksquad for all I cared. I have no motivation or genuine regard for anything these days. The trip to NY? Probably won't happen but I truly don't mind one way or the other. Go, don't go. Who cares? I don't. Same thing with riding on the truck.
I checked out some books from the library, one of them being the latest from J. California Cooper. She is one of my favorite authors. I haven't even been able to finish the book. I haven't gotten halfway through. I've had the book for a week now. I am not able to focus on the words. The story seems very interesting but I just can't get into it. My life is whizzing by and i can't seem to get ahold of it. This depression.. every time i think i am doing better I'm not. I bet the dr. will up the dosage on the prozac. Then I will have to see him in a month. The only good thing about all of this is that I have not had any suicidal thoughts . It's like I dont care enough to put forth the effort it would take to kill myself. But I worry that it might change. Sometimes this feeling makes me hold my head, wanting it to go away, silently screaming to myself.