The Blog of nicoleal20

Well, I went to the psych yesterday. he gave me some samples of geodon to use until I see the doctor at the VA clinic next week. He also told me I can take two prozac if I want to. it might help with those down days that come and go. I took a geodon last night but I started to think, do I really need them now? I felt pretty ok without them all week. No side effects or anything. My mood seemed pretty stable.Sleep pattern is getting better. I will get a new prescription just in case but for now I think I will try and go without them.

On another note, I talked to D today. I don't know if he got my letter but he did ask how I was doing. I appreciated that.I'm not mad at him or anything. I just felt a little left out last week.

Today I have no plans other than to take my daughter to have her eyes checked. I want to get the appointments out of the way now before my husband changes jobs. I hope and pray he doesn't have to change, that he will start getting some more miles but right now it's not looking good at all.

In any case, I am glad the weekend is here. No plans to do anything but it will be nice to just spend some time with my husband.

More later

This is one of those days where I feel like I've been missing people. When I say missing I mean not connecting with them. My friend W.. I've been emailing and calling him for two days now and I've gotten no response. I'm worried about him because I know he can get very depressed at times. But what can I do if he doesn't want to let me in? Then there is D. He called today but I let it go to voice mail. I don't feel like hearing all about him and what he's doing right now. I sent that letter off to him today. Then there is my husband who  just got mad at me because when he called me on the phone I didn't answer it like I usually do. Instead I said, what is it? I was a little distracted because I was reading something online but he took it's me not wanting to talk to him at all.

So for now I will keep trying to reach out to W, avoid D and apologize to my husband. it's all I can do.

I've been off the geodon for about 4 or 5 days. So far I feel pretty ok. I mean, I did lose control on Sat but otherwise I feel fine. I'm trying to keep it together. I am wondering if I even need to be on this medication anymore. yes, it does help with my anger, irrational thoughts and such. Still, I wonder if I have reached a point where I can do without it.
On another note, this is one of those weeks where I don't want to be bothered. My friend W sent me an email yesterday. he said he was sorry for blowing me off. I haven't responded yet. What can I say? it's not the first time he has done this. he's a really good friend but i started to get the hint when every time we talked he would have to go. Something came up, he would say, or he had to go out. I imagine that he probably just made himself invisible so I would not see him online. yeah, it ticked me off but I just decided to leave him alone for now. i don't feel like dealing with him and his ultra highs and lows at the moment. Then there is D. We haven't talked too much since he started this new job. He says he is always busy. I was texting him every day but I decided to cut that out because I like people to actually respond to my texts. Plus, when he calls me he spends the next 20 minutes to a half an hour just talking about what he's doing and how he's doing and how the job is and blah blah blah. I don't say a single word because he doesn't stop talking. So now I'm tired of it. I mean, I like being a part of the conversation too. Every time he is done dominating the conversation he says he has to go. Well, I'm not even going to give him the opportunity to do that anymore. I put my phone on a profile so it only rings when certain people call me. otherwise it just lets me know I missed a call. He's not one of those people. yes, he is one of my very best friends but his actions are annoying. One of these days I guess I will tell him that I would like a chance to talk too, even if I don't have much to say. He almost acts like I wait with bated breath just to hear about his work every week. How about, how are you doing, Nic? What's new with you? how have you been feeling? how's the job hunt going? Nope, he just goes on and on about himself and then hangs up. I figure he'll get the picture after a while.
I seem to be the sounding board for most of my friends. I guess it's not a bad thing but I like to talk sometimes too. C does the same thing as D. I let her talk because I know she is pretty much homebound because of her health, but sheesh! She barely gives me a chance to say anything. She will ask how I am doing and then proceed to tell me yet another story I have already heard before I can fully respond. J does the same thing too. It's very hard with him to say what's on my mind because he pauses for a moment and I always mistakenly think I can say something in that pause. But no, he starts talking again and doesn't stop until he has to hang up. he doesn't even stop when I say I have to hang up. I'm beginning to feel like nobody cares what i think or what I'm doing.So I say to heck with them for now. let them find somebody else to unload on.

I got imnto a big argument with my husband. we made up but the argument was so pointless. Now i feel like crap because i had hoped i would not lose control while being off the geodon. fat chance on that.

Last night was no better. I woke up every single stinking hour until I said screw it around 7am. I took two sleeping pills but they did nthing. I think my body has adjusted to them. I hope tonight I can get some rest. I feel genuinely blah. I didn't do a single thing today. I mean NOTHING. I didn't shower, didn't brush my teeth. I did get up and eat something, finally. I've been in the bed all day. maybe tomorrow I'll feel better.

Btw, i didn't take a prozac today.

This is day 2 without the geodon. i tried to sleep last night but kept waking up every hour. it was weird. It took me until nearly 2am to fall asleep. Then every time I woke up my ears would tune into all the little noises the house makes, like the creaking of the door, the fridge running, the furnace kicking on. Then I would hear nothing. Absolutely nothing. I had to turn up the tv because it made me uncomfortable. Tonight I'm going to hit the hay early, try and get some rest because I have a lot of cleaning to do tomorrow. I must clean. Everything looks dirty now. My motivation level has been low this week. I'm glad the weekend is here.

So Obama won. I hope he does a good job. he has a lot of challenges ahead of him and I hope the people and the government will support him and give him the ability to make the right decisions for our nation. I am glad my daughter is here to see history being made. 

On another note, I haven't cleaned anything yet. I felt like staying in bed today. talked to D for a minute, that's it. Had two cups of coffee and some toast. Ate a ton of candy last night while watching The Real Housewives of Atlanta. I love that show. I don't know why I ate all of that candy. Today I will eat better. I feel ok but a little blah. Maybe it will wear off.

More later..

So far the internet and cable is still on, but i know it won't be for long. Today's the big day. I'm going to get up and vote in a little while when my daughter wakes up. I usually take her with me so she can see the process.

Yesterday I felt really weird, especially on the left side of my head. I figure it was from missing a dose of geodon. well, i better get ready for it because i'm about to miss a lot of doses. i'm out of medication, I have no money to buy any, and I have to wait until the 18th to have my prescription renewed. that's when i see the doctor. My brain is going to be zapping like crazy and I am going to be very crabby. I'll try not to let it get to me too much. who knows? maybe I'll find that I don't need to take it anymore.

Other than that I feel ok, not glummy or anything, which is good. I still have enough prozac to last me. I guess today I will try and get some cleaning done as the house is a mess. I don't clean like I used to. For some reason now I don't care about keeping it so clean anymore. It's not nasty or anything. It's just not up to my usual standards.

More later..

Woke up at 4am this morning. had coffee with my husband who got up to see what I was doing. We're probably going to lose the internet next week so this may be one of my last blogs until I can get to the library. For the first time in many years we can't pay our bills. Something has got to get better. I pray my husband will get more miles soon or find a better job. Something has got to break. For the past three months we have been struggling and now we are beginning to not be able to make bill payments. I feel helpless because I don't know what more I can do. There are no jobs out there right now, nothing. Not even for the holidays. Target was the place to go and I just couldn't do it at that price. I pray next week will be a better week.

I woke up, had 2 cups of half caff Folgers coffee and some toast and watched tv. I feel better today. I took my the prozac . I have just enough left to last up until my next appointment with the psych. I wonder if I will keep having these highs and lows with this pill. It has been about 1 and a half months now since I started on it and I've had some pretty good days and then suddenly the bottom falls out. I can't explain it, I have no reason for it. I just wake up one morning and my mood is very low. The other day I almost felt like I was back in that state that ended me up in the psych hospital. I couldn't shake it. The next day I felt a little better and now today I feel pretty okay.

No plans for the weekend. Just being with the family is enough. I'm still looking for a job but there is absolutely nothing out there. It's depressing.

More later..

and that's about all I have to say.

I woke up early today, called Target twice and  did not get the woman so i sid screw it. I don't want to pay 22 bucks a day to work thee anyway. I put in an app with Kmart and a grocery store. I hope something comes through. On Friday my next door neighbor and his family loaded all their stuff up in a U Haul and moved out. The house has been foreclosed on. I couldn't help but think about our own situation. We're almost a  month behind on the mortgage, the first time in 5 years, and because of that all of the other bills are running behond too. An it's all because my husband isn't getting enough miles like he was when he first started with this company. I worry each week when I see his pay. We've put in applications to other comapines but things are slow right now. I hope someone calls soon.

I'm still on the prozac. It seems to be working ok. Found out my husband is still talking to Mary and you know what? I didn't blow. I figured it like this: Mary is online. I am here. He comes home to ME every weekend, not her. As long as the conversation stays friendly and doesn't get out of hand, I will be ok with it. He thinks he is getting over on me but he isn't. I knnow how to find out whatever info I need.

Today marks the 25th anniversary of the Beirut bombing.  People don't talk much about this incident anymore but my husband remembers. He was in the Marine Corp when this happened and he was actually in that unit of men who were at the barracks. But for some reason he was not sent to Beirut with them, thus saving his life perhaps. Those men were his friends and today he told me, not many people remember it anymore. For him, I remember.

"CAMP LEJEUNE, N.C. (AP) — About 1,000 Marines and others at Camp Lejeune in North Carolina are honoring nearly 300 people who died when suicide bombers attacked a U.S. barracks in Beirut in 1983.

The bombing occurred while Marines were part of an international peacekeeping force in Lebanon. Marine Corps Commandant Gen. James T. Conway told visitors in Thursday that none of the victims thought they would die on a mission for peace.

Almost 250 American serviceman — including 220 Marines — were killed when two truck bombs struck the Marine barracks. Another 60 Americans were injured.

The attack was the deadliest single-day death toll in Marine Corps history since the Battle of Iwo Jima. It was the deadliest single attack on Americans overseas since World War II."

I checked my husband's pay and I can't decide who to pay first. The cell phone, the mortgage, which is already late, the credit card bill. My husband would say the mortgage. then the credit card will be late again and harder to pay next month. the phone bill is already late and i know how much he needs his phone while he's out there on the road. The mortgage is technically 2 weeks late, almost 3. I told myself I would wait until he came home to decide.

I feel ok today, somewhat lazy, not really in the mood to do laundry or anything. There are a number of things that really need cleaning in this house. When I look in the fridge I go yeesh! WHen I look at the layer of dirt on the blinds I go yeesh! again. I already cleaned the bathroom, so all I need to do is wash clothes and make up my bed. I might also have to go to the market to buy something for dinner.

More later..

Today I felt ok. My appetite is up, though. Last night I ate nine oreo cookies. NINE. Then I had a piece of birthday cake. Then I went to sleep. I read that prozac makes you gain weight and I'm beginning to believe it. Sometimes I barely feel like getting out of bed and today.. well today I'm up and hungry. I had toast for breakfast. Then I had a cup of cocoa, chili for dinner, a piece of buttered bread, two cookies and I just ate a bag of popcorn. Befre the night is over I will hve eaten a bunch more cookies too. When I get sleepy I get the munchies as well. I'm going to finish off the cookies tomorrow and that will be it. No more junk. The weather is going to change drastically so I plan on doing some walking during the day.

More later...

I feel pretty ok today. No dragging of my mood, which is good. I still can't wait to go to bed tonight. SOmetimes I wonder if I am getting hooked on the geodon. SOmetimes I can't wait to get sleepy...

More later.

I had three interviews today. The first one went well. The second one went great too, although the woman said I needed to speak up. The third and final one.. I wasn't offered a job because of the availability hours I put down. I didn't want to get home late so I put I was available from 8 to 8pm. Not good enough. The woman wanted me to be available from 8 to 10pm. SO I didn't get the job. I feel kinda p'oed about it but I prayed to God that if He felt I was ready for the job then I would get it. Maybe I wasn't ready. That's the bad part of the day. The nice part is that my husband's job sent me flowers for my birthday. How sweet.

More later..

That's right. I'm not making hamburger helper either. I'm making meatloaf and macaroni and cheese and a vegetable side. I figured why not? I didn't buy any of those quick to make meals in a box this week so I have to dig out my mental cookbook and come up with some dishes.

I feel ok today. There is some blahness lingering but for the most part I am ok and fighting the urge to go back to bed. I didn't get around to mowing the grass today but I can do that tomorrow. I think later I will go and try on the outfit I am going to wear for this interview.

More later..

Yes, I did linger in the bed until almost 1pm but I don't feel as down as I did yesterday. I took one prozac and actually I feel a little sleepy right now. Tomorrow my goal is to get up and mow the lawn. I hate going to that shed. There are always spiders all over everything in there. Yeesh..

It's the weekend. I don't know if my husband will be home this weekend because right now he is sitting in New Orleans waiting for a load. We're in such a financial pickle. He may have to leave this job soon because it's just not paying what it used to. He's making 300 dollars a week less than he was 2 months ago. He's not even breaking 2000 miles a week. I don't understand this company. there are drivers there who are doing over 3000 miles a week  and then everyone else is picking up the scraps. I hate for him to leave this job but if things don't change there is a very real possibility that the house could be in jeopardy. I told him to wait and see if I get the job and whether that will help. I hope it does. I thought about subbing but it's been slow lately.  I have to do at least one assignment to stay on the active list.

Today I am really feeling blah. I can't seem to stay focused on one thing for long. I can't tell you how many times I have gotten up and walked around while writing this blog. Part of me wants to go to sleep and another part of me is fighting it hard. It's not that I feel sleepy either. I just feel really unmotivated. I know I have things to do around the house, plus I have to go shopping later. I'm even thinking about going to my daughter's football game just to force myself to get out of the house. Yeah, I think I'll do that.

I've been up since about 7. I haven't showered or anything yet and all I ate for breakfast was some fruit. I don't feel like doing anything but staying under the covers, and I keep asking myself, what am I going to do if I get this job? I'm already feeling somewhat ambivalent about the whole thing. While I think in the long run it will help a little bit financially, I am worried already about how long I will be able to hang in there. I don't do well on jobs. I start out gungho but after a month something inside me simply can't do it anymore. ANd I don't know why. I wish my old therapist was working at the counseling center so I could talk to him about it but he's gone. I have no therapist at the moment. I know,I know. I am worrying too soon for something that may or may not happen. I just wish I could be more excited about the possibility of working. Right now I am just scared. And I feel and sound foolish.

This is my second day taking two prozac. I feel a little wired. My skin feels more alive, if that makes any sense. I didn't do much today except watch Casino on tv and dust the livingroom. Maybe tomorrow will be better. I'm still nervous about the interview. And right now the geodon is kicking in so I bid you a good night.

The HR rep from Target called! I have an interview on October 14th at 10:45. I am already nervous but kind of excited too. I haven't worked a regular job in 2 years.We could really use the money too. My daughter will be glad because she likes to shop at Target. She's already thinking about the employee discount I might get. The 14th might be my lucky day. One thing I am going to do during this interview is ask questions. I went on this website and found some questions I can ask at the end of the interview. They will be brief but I want to show that I am very interested in the job.

On another note, I started taking two prozac today. SO far today I feel okay, not blah but not excited or anything either. Well, I guess I do feel kind of blah. I got up and made myself some breakfast ( a fattening one at that, sausage and biscuits) and I am doing the laundry. After I shower I am going to make a nice cup of tea and think about what I'm going to wear for that interview. I'm thinking my brown suit. I look good in brown...

I'm feeling ok today but still kind of down. I couldn't seem to get myself together today, just staying in the bed and surfing the net for most of the day. Now it's almost 4:30 and I'm going to eat dinner and then go to sleep because I am so ready for this day to be over. I've had enough of it. Yes, I took the prozac this morning and I was able to get up and take a shower and make some biscuits for breakfast. That was it. Maybe tomorrow will be better. I'm recording how I'm feeling so I can look back on it before my next psych appt and be able to tell the doctor how I have been doing on the prozac.

More later

I'm still feeling hinky. I miss my friend. His presence lifted my spirits a good deal. Finances are tighter than a gnat's behind and as usual, we are so broke. Things are pretty bad, so they can only get better, right?