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nicoleal20's Blog


Reflection

I've been sitting here reading posts from the Sexless Marriage experience and reflecting on my own experience. I cannot place 100% of the blame on R. I didn't want to have sex with him after the affair. I could not bring myself to do it because I kept imagining him being inside of another woman. When I finally decided to let that go, I didn't care for the way I looked. I had put on a lot of weight. But I never felt like I was witholding sex from him because he never asked for it. He never tried to touch me. He stopped kissing me and started giving me pecks. He would barely hug me, even after not seeing me for months. I would hug him and he would pat my back as if to say, ok, that's enough. Get off me.
I wonder what he will do the next time I see him. Will he try to kiss me or what? I know I won't. It's funny. I found myself asking him when he was going to come home yesterday. Then I said nevermind because I remembered we weren't  together anymore. It's always on my mind but sometimes I forget because on the phone we are so civil with each other. We have great conversations, we laugh and joke. But it's not enough.

Right now my anxiety level is high. I don't know why. When I get very anxious I break out into an uncontrollable sweat. As luck would have it, I am out of klonopin. I took 2 benadryl instead. It's all I have. Maybe I'm anxious because today I will be filling out a W-4 and I-9 for my new job. I haven't done that since 2006.  I'm excited about this and so very nervous. What if I forget something during training? What if the anxiety begins to take over again? I have to stay with this job for at least 12 months, unless something much better comes around. I have to be strong.

I wish I had the money to go to group therapy but I don't at the moment. Maybe next week or when I start working. I sent my therapist a letter explaining why I had not been there. I hate leaving voicemail messages. I wish I had someone to talk to but everyone is so busy with their own lives. I sent my brother an email yesterday. I told him I got a job and I was getting a divorce. He barely sent me a response. Granted, he was at work but still.. I just feel so alone sometimes. I mean, I'm sitting here and I cannot think of a single person I can really talk to at this moment. There is M but I know she is dealing with her own stuff. The other M is doing her own thing too. Our friendship is not what it used to be 20 years ago. D is busy and married, so is B. J doesn't really talk to me either, and H is busy too.  Even my sisters are too busy or don't want to hear it.

I am so alone in this world. I enjoy my solititude but I do crave some kind of people connection sometimes. How could I allow myself to become friendless? I will be 47 this year and so far nothing has changed as far as me having friends. It would help if I got out of the house more, and maybe this job will bring on some new friendships. I kind of doubt it though. It depends on the people working there. I don't have any time for teenage drama or even adult drama. I remember when I worked at the gas station. Somebody always had something to say about someone else. They weren't pulling their weight, blah blah blah. Then there was that whole situation with that woman who got upset because I asked her not to leave the mop and bucket outside behind the store. I worked at night. There were no cameras behind the store. She didn't see it that way. So she wrote me a long letter which I never read because I balled it up and threw it in her face. Since the day I started working there that woman never said a word to me. She hd already decided she did not like me, and she did not even know me. But apparently people had been talking about me to her because the little bit I did see on the paper she mentioned  some things that happened during my shift that she could only know by talking to someone else. We never worked a full shift together. It was then that I decided to really trust no one in that store.

Well, so much for that. Oh, I sent the FB message I talked about the other day. It ended up in her other box that most people on FB never look at, so I doubt she will ever see it. Maybe it is for the best. I just need to accept the fact that I will probably live a solitary life.

Good News Bad News

R and I are going to get a divorce. It is sad but when I think of all that I know now, I don't think I want to be with him anymore as a wife. He just lies too much, even about inconsequential things. I don't understand it. He can be up for hours talking to K but when I call him he will say he just woke up. At this point I don't care who he talks to, especially K. I'm K!
I had a number of dreams telling me that being K  was wrong and I should stop. I tried to stop but I feel drawn to it like a magnet. It is fascinating to see how he lies to K, a woman he never even met, and then lies to me too. It's like there is no truth in him whatsoever. He is very attracted to K and wants to meet her. I  don't want to cut it cold turkey because I might need to use K in the future. I need to back out of it slowly, say I met a guy, whatever.
I got a job. It's at a fast food joint that will be opening in April. I'm excited and nervous. I have not held a steady job since 2006. I remember how the anxiety used to creep up on me. I can't let it happen this time. I have to be cool and stay in control. I got this chance. I can't blow it. I need to work it for a while until have some job history. The good thing is  it's a new place and everyone will be new. We will all be on the same page.

I have wondered if having a job will make a difference to R regarding our marriage. I don't think so. I think he  really wants to be a bachelor. why did it have to be me, though? We used to talk about the future, fixing up the house, going on vacation, sitting in our rocking chairs on the front porch in our old age. And now that is all gone.

I  actually made a Match.com account. I haven't subscribed yet. I just wanted to see what it was all about. First of all, it is lousy at matching. The men it matched me with did not meet my requirements. I don't want a man who has kids. They had kids. I don't want a man younger than me. They goofed there too. I won't be using that website when I decide to start dating again. It won't be for a very long time. I have been sexless for so long I almost want to see how long I can go without it. I don't even think about it like I used to. It used to make me sad that R would not even give me a passionate kiss. Now that I know he has been with other women I don't want his tongue in my mouth. I don't want a kiss. I don't even want a hug. I don't know if I will ever tell him that I know he has been with a number of women besides S. Then I would have to reveal that I am also K.

I supposed I have learned something from this marriage. I know what kind of man I don't want. No military, prior military, truck driver or any job resembling that. No divorcee, no one with kids, no one that is 10 years older than me, and no one that places money above everything else. I think a lot of stuff happened not only because of our mental health issues but because he was mad that I didn't have a job and I messed up the sub job. I can understand about the sub job, but if you claim to be a Christian then there should be forgiveness. Plus, God should be first in the marriage, first in your life, not money.  When he was reading the bible he had a totally different attitude. Now he just lies all the time. I stopped praying for him because I just said screw it. I'm going to resume my prayers and pray that he puts God first in his life and be honest with himself  as well as others.

Despite all of this I still love him and I imagine I always will.

On another note, D said something to me the other week about his wife that confused me. I asked him when would I be able to talk to her and he said something about feelings and being mad at me. I can't remember it all because I was drunk. I do remember asking myself why is she angry with me? What did I do or say to her that was hurtful? As I recall I didn't say or do anything. It was D who mucked it all up. I have considered writing her on FB but I don't know if I should.
I think I will. More later...





 

Something to think About

I received many comments on my story in the Sexless Marriage group. It's good to get other views on this. After talking to my sister, who has gone through the same thing over the years, I know I just have to take it to God.  More on that later.
I was feeling sad last night. I didn't know why I felt that way. Maybe I was lonely or just tired, I don't know. In any case, MB called and he's doing the 28 day program, which is good. He said he decided he wanted to do it. It might help him get his life in order, get him more focused.  When I told him I felt sad he said to me, "you're beautiful." And you know what? I felt better. It made me smile. If nothing more MB is a good friend. I appreciate people who know and understand me well. He accepts me for who I am. I want to say R does too, but I think he just doesnt care that much anymore.
Anyway, today is another day and I am not going to let my mind be overrun with thoughts of R and this whole situation. I'm going to do my homework, clean the house, maybe even make dinner tonight instead of eating PB and js.
more later..
 

Checking in

Happy New Year. Another year, another bunch of blogs to write about the same old stuff that I have been writing about since 2009. 
I still haven't found a job yet. The agency I am working with isn't really doing much to help me. I'm considering not touching bases with them anymore because I don't think it should take this long to start job searching for a person.

I got back in touch with MB. It has been over 20 years since we talked. He wanted to get back together but I'm not into that nonsense right now. he hasn't called me since I told him I was going to stay with R and not cheat on him.

This leads me to the next update. Last week R finally told me straight out he does not wish to have a romantic relationship with me. He doesn't even really wish to be married but he will settle for a companionship with us just being friends. He said he wants me to be happy and I should find someone who will give me the things he is not able to give me. He said he didn't think it would be wrong if a person cheated on their spouse if he or she wasn't getting what they needed in the marriage. I suggested marriage counseling but he doesn't want to do anything. he just wants to do his job and be left alone. But like I said, he is willing for us to continue on together married (for now anyway), as long as there is no sex or romance involved. This might sound shocking and stupid but I agreed. I haven't been in the mood for sex so I'm not really missing it. Must be the zoloft. It hurts to hear my husband say those things. It is all I can think about these days. We have great conversations and stuff but he said he didn't think he was a good husband for me or anyone. I think he gave up. I think he copped out. It's easier to just say forget it and push me away than it is to find out what is really going on.  I could divorce him, but I am not in a position financially to do so. Plus, I don't want to. We took a vow. That means something to me. I don't think this is something to get a divorce for. I'm not going to try and change him. I'm going to continue to basically live a parallel life with him. For now I just can't imagine him not in my life. He says I am his best friend. He is my best friend and I do love him a lot. I'm just not ready.

Haven't spoken to D that much. he is busy as always. In fact, I haven't really spoken to anyone. I decided to deactivate my Facebook page for now. I'm tired of reading about all the things other people are doing with their friends while I basically have none. I decided to stop texting for now. No one really texts me back anymore anyway, well, not right away. Sometimes a reply comes  days or a week later.  So I figured what's the point in texting hi, how are you? Just leave it alone.

I'm taking two classes this semester and I am doing well. I am taking Operating systems and word processing. I like it so much better than those education classes. So much better.

That's about it. Christmas was fine, and so was Thanksgiving. I haven't lost any weight but I haven't gained any either, so it's not half bad. 

This year I have no resolutions. They are a waste of time. I'm going to focus on passing these classes and getting a job. That's all I'm going to committ to.

more later...

On the agenda

Nothing is on my agenda. I got the Singer out of storage but neglected to bring the bag of fabric to practice on. Smart move. I piled all the Christmas stuff on top of it for easy access in a few weeks.

I saw some jobs online last night, and was going to apply when I remembered they were the same jobs I applied for a month ago. And a month before that and so on. Should I waste my time? I applied with Lowes for three straight years before I got an interview, only to not get the job. I think I will make an effort to revamp my resume today. I have been putting it off for weeks now because I am not really sure how to do it but I'll give it a try.

Still feeling bummed. Or bored, I dont know. I wish I could go visit P. I might feel better. She does cheer me up sometimes.

Not much to write today. Just the same old crap.
Going to get my coffee and job search.
more later..


Couldn't Sleep

Well, actually I did sleep. I just went to bed at almost 6pm. Gorged on cookies which took their revenge early in the morning. I haven't been to sleep since 1am. I laid there with the dogs hogging the bed, thinking and listening to the bible.  My brain seems to be running out of things to think about. I'm tired of cleaning, that's for sure. Still haven't done those blinds yet, though. There is no one to talk to, but a good friend did call the other day, which made me smile.  Didn't really talk to R yesterday. I called and called and he did not answer. Said he was wiped out from the allergy med. Then he had some other things to do. I felt like we were going right back to that place again. I said, uh oh.  See, there is this part of me that thinks he was with someone yesterday and the night before, and he wasn't even near his phone. I have no proof so what's the point?  I stopped thinking about it after awhile. 

Trust. Where is it?

Cloudy Day

I read the blog I wrote yesterday, and my first thought was man, how pitiful I sound! I don't want to wallow in any self pity. I just write what's on my mind.

Today was an okay day. My nephew took my sister and me to breakfast. It was good. I wasn't going to go at first. I woke up feeling really down, sad. Couldn't shake the blahs. But my sister said come anyway, so I did. When I got home I felt tired, and now blah again. Maybe it's the house, the meds, or something. I don't know. I feel like I suddenly ran out of go juice. I was gung ho the past week or so and now I just want to get under the covers and sleep. I can't be that way. When I get a job I'm not going to be able to hide under the covers. I'm going to have to face the job, the people, everything. I have to get my mind right now.

The weather is changing.. rain rain go away...

Friends, how many of us have them?

I've been sitting here at the computer looking for people on Facebook that I used to know. I found a few, but it occurred to me that I reached out to these people before and they didn't really respond. I've never had a lot of friends, and the few I do have I don't talk to as much anymore. Time has widened the gap between us, and today I just feel flat out lonely.

I get up every morning between 530 and 700, feed the animals, let them out, and start my day. Coffee starts percolating, dishes get put away, the floors are swept and mopped, furniture dusted. I get on the computer and wander around Facebook for a little while. Then I sit down to a big mug of joe and my thoughts.  R snapped out of his funk so we are having coffee together again. That's good. But he is working, and after a while I wish there was someone else to talk to.

I had a few friends. But my depression got in the way. My moodiness was too much for them and I don't think I have ever been forgiven for that. I guess those people think it's better to steer clear of me. I'm nothing but trouble. I have too much emotional fluctuations.  So I sit at home with my thoughts and I try very hard to convince myself every day that being alone is a good thing. It's better than trying to be normal all the time with someone else. I can be moody if I want to. No one is here except the dogs and the cats, and all they care about is being fed. Yeah, I try very hard to convince myself of that nonsense.

The reality is I have my moods under control. I take my meds, I use the coping skills I learned, I try and stay busy around the house. To venture out of the house? I don't know. That's a nervy move. I can't go through another lost friendship. I know there will come a time when I will  have a mini crisis and something stupid might come out of my mouth, and the other person will not understand. I have had people tell me in so many words that they don't want to deal with that side of me, therefore their friendship must remain at arms length.

So I stay in the house where the dogs like me and the cat rubs against my legs. I'm okay to them, and I guess for now it will have to do. Although I want more friends, I just don't think I can go through another rejection.

It finally came out

Ok,so last night I finally had a discussion with R about his funky attitude. He is angry with me because I let the subbing job go and I am still not working. He is also angry because I'm not in school and can't get the VRAP benefits.  Plus, he got upset because I  tried to fill out an application for him to get an interview driving for UPS. He said that was pretty low down.
What can I say about it? In a way he is right. I screwed up royally by letting that job go, and by failing all of those classes. I didn't mean to do it.  I felt depressed and instead of fighting it I let it take over. And now I am having the hardest time finding a job, we are months behind on the mortgages, and he doesn't really have anything to say to me. I was relieved when he just came out and said it. At least now I know why and I am not still wondering. R is funny. He can be very passive about things. I kind of wish he had just sat me down and talked to me and said, look, I really need for you to work some assignments, instead of getting mad and then saying he was just having a moment. When he means something he doesn't like to admit it. He just says, your words, not mine. I know what it means. I told him last night that I wasn't going to waste my time calling him when I know he doesn't even want to talk to me. Instead I will call him when I finally get a job. I mean that. Sometimes I really want to hear his voice, but I don't like the way it sounds these days.
I have applied almost everywhere I can think of. I check the websites multiple times a day and I spends hours filling out applications online. That seems to be the way it is for every job. Nobody does paper anymore. They all say, go to our website and put in an application.  So far I have been turned down formally by two places. My problem is my job history doesn't show stable employment. Plus it shows my last regular job being 7 years ago.  But hey, God is good, right? He knows my needs and I will get a job. I just hope it is soon. I have been cleaning and taking care of things around the house in order to stay busy. Today I got up at 6 am and I filled out applications for about  5 jobs. Then I swept, did laundry, had some coffee, and that was it. It then occurred to me that  I didn't have anything else to do. So I put my drops in and took a nap until my sister came over. Tomorrow I think I am going to start walking for exercise. I have a lot of weight to lose. I don't have to go far, I can just walk around the block five times and do 2.2 miles.  Yeah, that's what I am going to start doing. Job search, coffee, walk.
More later..

So what else is new

Well, nothing has changed since the last post. Vocational rehab is helping me with getting a job although I am not totally sure how. They can't provide me with any kind of training because R makes too much money. I'm not sure what this man is going to do for me. I have another appt tomorrow. We will see what happens.
R is the same. he doesn't call unless I call him. I haven't spoken to him since Friday. I called but he doesn't answer. Sometimes I wonder if there is someone on the truck with him. I feel sad that we don't talk. I don't know what is going on with him. When we have a phone conversation it is one-sided. I struggle to make conversation and he is mostly quiet. On top of that, he's not letting me know how much he is taking for himself on payday. We are two months behind on both mortgages, 4 months on the credit card, and overdue on a few other things. That is why I really hope I can get a decent paying gig to catch up on the mortgages.
We just don't talk about anything. Why am I here?

more later..

nothing has changed

im still feing bleah. couldnt get financial aid because of my grades so now I really have nothing going on. I would just like to disappear.

Hopeless

I feel hopeless right now. I slept all night, woke up every other hour just to check my phone. For what? I don't know. Then I feel back asleep. I'm up now, feeling somewhat hopeless about everything. M sent me an email. They just got back from Palm Springs. So? Does that give you any reason to totally ignore me when I text you? Or take weeks to reply? I'm not responding. I don't have anything to say and I don't feel like being fake for her.
No, R didn't call me yesterday or today yet. I doubt he will call me today. Why should he? I'm only his wife. Oh wait, that means nothing to him these days because he doesn't want to talk to anyone, or is it just me? In any case I feel as low as can be. All I want to do is sleep. At least when I sleep I am in another world dreaming about happier things. When I open my eyes reality comes back again and it doesn't help. I get to feeling hopeless again.
I wish he had let me go back to NY. I wish he had said, no I don't want to marry you right now. I wish he had the nerve to say any one of those things because it would be far better now than the lies he spewed out. He's always trying to help someone at his own expense. I would have managed.I regret staying. I wish I had just worked something out with Diane or something. Now I actually regret moving in here, getting married, staying for as long as I have because it has been all fake for him. it has all be one big act for him. He's not happy. Why stay with someone who isn't happy? I could be alone and be miserable and feel happier than I do now because at least I would not have any expectations. All these years have been a waste, a colossal waste.
I think I will go to Wal Mart and get some medicine to help me sleep. I'm almost out of the klonopin and I don't want another script.
More later..


I


In a Daze

That's how I fee,like I am in a daze. I went to bed without taking any geodon, and I slept! I woke up every other hours. It was like I was reminding myself that I was sad for a reason. Then I fell back asleep. I took two klonopin this am to keep the anxiety down. I'm going to take another one in a bit. I broke my word and texted r good morning. He sad good morning back. That was it. I don't know where he is or where he is going or anything. All I know is if I call he probably won't answer the phone. He will shut it off first/

I finished my last EDU assignment ever and turned it in.Not the best powerpoint I made but it will  have to do.Now I just need to take the geography exam, which I am worried about. The exams are not m strong point. Plus I got my stats on unemployment wrong. Oh freaking well. It's May 6 and I am done with this school stuff.

I don't think we will talk today. It makes me so sad.. It's like it steps on my spirit, crushing it. I have no spirit. I'm just left with this empty feeling, this huge void that I don't know how to fill. And I bet he doesn't know that and if he did he probably wouldn't care. He's numb and I'm numb too. If he doesn't care why should I? Why should I cry or feel sad or lie in bed for days on end? He doesn't care. He stopped caring a long time ago. In fact, I don't think he ever cared. It's just going through the motions, man. Going through the motions.
I'm going to feed the dogs, take some more klonopin and go back to sleep.

more later..

Silence

I was going to wait to see f he would call me today but i couldn't wait so i called him. from the moment the phone was answered things were tense. i didn't say the right thing. he was talking about water in the truck. thenhis son called. he wanted to go  but i said why cant he call you back? because his son rarely calls him. That's a lie. just last week he was tired of hearing from everyone, even his son because he said he was tired of his bs. Now, knowing that we are having such a hard time right now I am still in the back seat. he is supposed to come home on Friday. I bet he will hanging out there until Sunday night and then just leave on Monday. I'm thinking of maybe going somewhere on Friday to Sunday so he won't have to look at me. I left him some texts and then i tried to call him but he turned his phone off so i decided to fill up all of his voicemail box. But i didn't because after 23 calls it became tiresome.
none of this is making sense. this blog makes no sense. this relationship makes no sense.
more later..

Sisters and this thing called God

I got up, took my pill and went right back to bed. Then I heard my sister talking to someone through the door about mowing the lawn. She came to ask me but I feigned sleep. I got up and mowed the back, got nearly done with the front and ran out of gas. Lazy me left the patch for another day. I'll get some gas tomorrow.

While I was mowing I started thinking. Why doesn't my sister ever come out here to do this? She doesn't help with the bills. She doesn't clean any part of the house except her room and dishes. She doesn't cook. So what's the deal? I know she is busy doing her homework but I have homework too. I need to pass my classes or I won't be eligible for financial aid. I dunno. It just occurred to me that she doesn't do anything around here. Doesn't even mop the muddy prints off the kitchen floor when the dogs come in. Doesn't wash the rugs. Doesn't clean the old food out of the fridge. Doesn't sweep and mop anywhere except P's bedroom where she is sleeping. To be honest, I don't like living with her because of this. Help out. This isn't a hotel. But I'm  not going to have that conversation because talking to her is like talking to a drill sergeant. She gets a louder and  louder with each word that comes from her mouth until she's telling you what to do. She's a very spiritual person but sometimes I think she lets it go to her head. I make a point not to have those discussions with her anymore because she talks like she knows everything. Oh she knows a lot but not everything about God and stuff. With every situation God will fix it. Ok, When is God going to move you and your many boxes of crap out of our house and permanently into your own place? Please tell me when because it is going on a year now. When P went off to college she had just moved in. P is coming home next week and she won't be able to sleep in her room because my sister is there.

I am not sure how I feel about her still being here. It's nice to have company but at the same time she wants to go to school full time so she can complete this degree. Not a lot of time in there for work, or is there? I don't know. If I were to have that conversation I would just say look, at least help keep the whole house clean. For all intent and purposes you live here. Your mail comes here. Pick up a broom. Take the trash out. I mean, what gives? Oh yeah, and cook a meal every so often that isn't just greens. I guess she figures since she doesn't really eat the food all the time why should she cook it. It is frustrating.

Speaking of God, most times I feel like she has this special insight into God. She prays for people and things happen. I pray for people and I don't know. Nothing happens. Is there a God? I read the bible sometimes. I talk to God sometimes. I would really like to know like many people why there is so much misery in this world. I'm talking about with children. Why are children starving, being murdered? Where is God and how long will He continue to let this go on? He let his own people be slaves for 400 years. I don't get that. Then he made them wander in the desert. I don't get that either. Babies are being born with the most incredible, strangest, deadliest diseases and conditions. Why God? Are you listening? Do you care? Or is this another part of your plan that is so complex our puny brains would never understand? People have to die so you can be glorified? What kind of God is this?

No, I'm not an atheist but I see why people lose their faith or never obtain any in a deity. It is so complicated. Basically you have to keep one eye open for this but close your other eye to that because you wouldn't understand. Ask someone like Diane why all of this is happening and she will say something like, people are falling under the influence of demonic forces and they don't want to be saved right now. They need deliverance. A starving child in Africa needs deliverance because somewhere in his or her family someone practiced voodoo or any other religion that did not honor a Christian God, THE Christian God, therefore he or she has to suffer until the entire family is delivered from that evil.That sounds messed up and hopeless.

On another note, R got on my nerves just a tad today. I want to go to the store. If the Chevy were in the driveway I would just drive to the market. I'm getting used to that car. But the Ford's gs pedal is super sensitive and I don't have my license yet. I'm still learning. He kept saying, ask D (my sister to take you. I kept telling him she was and still is busy doing homework and she probably wasn't going to take a break. I don't dare take a taxi. He finally got annoyed and said he had to go. Oh yeah, he says he doesn't talk to anyone but he sure had a lot to say about his other trucking friends and what they have been up to. So it's not everyone. It's just me...? Well screw him too. He only calls me if he is returning my call. I guess I can't do anything right in his eyes. I sound depressed, I say the wrong thing, I'm not independent.

Well, I think I've said enough. More later...



One down, Two to Go

I am officially done with my world religions course. I took the final, turned in my essay. I don't have to look at that book ever again as of 4 pm. I just hope I pass. This is the third time taking this course and I don't want to have to take something else in its place. I will settle for a C. Now I just have the education and geography classes left. I'm working on a powerpoint about child abuse. For the other I just need to jump in and take the final. I even got 100 for submitting a good question for the discussion forum, and I replied to another question.
Today has been an okay day. I got up early and went to UPS fr a short job interview/tour. It looks alright and the benefits sound great but I dont know if I can lift 70 pounds on a regular basis. I don't have a lot of muscle mass. The idea of having to do it possibly from time to time if I get this job makes my forearms hurt. But I also applied for a couple of desk jobs, so I am hoping on one of those. I feel like something is going to come my way soon and I hope it is the desk job, although UPS offers free health, dental and vision.Nothing to scoff at for four hours of work a day.

R has been ok today, not fussy. Good because I have a headache. I'm not in the mood for fussiness. Actually right now I'm in the mood for sleep. Staring at a computer screen all afternoon has made me tired.

I haven't heard from M since I sent her that text. I have been thinking a lot about our so called friendship. I don't even think I can call it that. I really don't know anything about her. If I text her today she will finally bother to reply in 3 days to a week. I don't call that friendship. I call it weird. I don't know what she looks like. She won't send me pictures of herself or even discuss anything outside of basic  chatter. And it is barely basic chatter. I regret that I told her very personal things about my life and relationship with R. At the time I needed someone to talk to and I remembered how we used to be best friends. I need to forget that now because it really has nothing to do with our present relationship.  Our present relationship is a joke, a farce. It has no depth, no real meaning. I don't think I am going to initiate any emails or texts with her anymore. I don't think its worth it. I'm definitely keeping my personal life to myself because she doesn't need to know. She doesn't need to know. We are not best friends anymore. This isn't 1981 and we're not even in the same socioeconomic class. She is rich, does wealthy things. I am not rich and we live paycheck to paycheck. I don't have time to take classes i school just because. I need a career, a job. I don't have the option of not working anymore. I have to work now because we need the money.

SOmetimes it is better to just lie low, don't get yourself wrapped up in people and things. My problem is with people. I would love something to be excited about in a positive way that has nothing to do with people like M. I thought maybe our friendship would blossom again but it is so clear now that she doesn't want it that way So I'm done trying.
I have lost a number of potential friends over the past few years, and lost ground with others. Take B, for example. He's a good egg but he basically dropped me like a hot potato for his  fiance. I'm not saying that its wrong but we were friends for a long time and she came along and he changed. Same thing with D. He really changed. He makes sure to keep his wife away from me,not because I don't like her.I do. I think he doesn't want a friendship between us. Also we don't talk like we used to. It's all work chatter and superficial stuff,when it comes. I don't text him too much anymore. I  don't have anything to say.
This is why my friendship circle is so tiny. I want a friend who will be there through thick and thin and not ditch me because they found someone new in their life. I can't compete with that. I shouldn't have to.

more later...

I knew it, I had a feeling

Today started off with me having a lack of motivation and ended up with me screaming at R because once again, he wasn't' listening.I mentioned something about how it will be a shame that P won't have her room to sleep in and he automatically assumed I was going to say something about his ex girlfriend, which I wasn't. To be honest I don't think I was going to say anything else but if I were it was going to be something along the lines of my sister has been here much longer than we expected and  she is the one in my daughter's room. She was talking about going to stay with her son. Maybe she should. I mean, it's not fair that P has to come home from college and go from sleeping on the couch to a cot to my bed depending on who is home. She has no place to put any of her things at all. it doesn't' seem like anything is going on as far as my sister finding her own place or getting a job or anything. This isn't a hotel for crying out loud. Sometimes it is nice having company here and then a lot of times I am just ready for everyone to be gone. L is coming and I don't really want her to come but R is so concerned about her welfare and whatnot. Bullshit. I don't care. I was the one who brought up the idea in the first place but now I'm like this: you come here you have such amount of time to get your crap together and find your own place. R doesn't want that. He wants her to stay as long as she needs to, like D. I wish they both would go away. This is the last time, THE LAST TIME anyone else is coming here to stay. I don't care who it is . The city has a shelter. Use it.

So now I am sitting here feeling stressed and worried and a little aggravated that every time this happens he totally shuts me out. I don't blame my feelings on him. They are my emotions and I own up to them. I wish he would answer so I could apologize or something. But then why do I have to apologize? He is the one who jumped to conclusions before I even finished what I was saying. I'm only apologizing for calling him a bastard and a son of a bitch, which he really can be at times.
I am so incredibly unhappy these days. Nothing I say is right. Nothing I do is right. Everything is wrong. I was going to take some finals today but my mind is somewhere else right now and I can't even focus. I get thrown off track when I talk to him. I get turned around from what I planned to do. The emotions take over and I can't even think straight. I wish I had a lot of money, enough to buy myself a house and pay it off. Then enough for taxes and such. I could finish up school and stuff and live alone with the dogs. P could come and visit and that would be it. No one else. No movers in, no oh let me stay for a few weeks until I get myself on my feet. None of that. Just me and the dogs. That's it.
I need to be alone. Being in a relationship has gotten too complicated, too many emotions floating around, too much anger. If I get this job tomorrow then I am going to take it and I am going to pay for the care. That way the care can be mine in 5 years, not his.Or I could go and buy my own, but I have no credit and I like this car. I'll even pay for the Onstar and the XM radio. I'm going to have something of my own. First the car and then a house. You'll see..

more later.

Today was a little Productive

I got a lot of homework done today. Right now all I have left is a powerpoint presentation and two finals, plus that blasted discussion forum. I am not as stressed as I have been the past week, but all is not gone.
I applied for some more jobs today and I hope someone calls. It amazes me that there are jobs out there but everyone wants you to have experience. How can you get experience if you can't get a job? When are employers going to figure that one out. The other thing that kills me is that some of these jobs pay well and the work is easy but the requirements are steep. Others pay minimum wage and they want 2 years of work experience. I don't get it. Someone just give me  a chance. I don't want to  go on welfare (if I could), and it would be nice to contribute to the expenses.

I talked to R today. He was ok. I was cautious. Still asks me why I sound bleah. It's not bleah, dumbass, it's me not wanting to be cursed out by you for saying the wrong thing. But I cannot even say that because it will spark an argument. First he will sigh, and then he will say something like, don't go there. I'm having a good day, as if to imply that I always bring the rain. I hope in time he learns to own up to his emotions and actions because  he doesn't. HE will lay the blame anywhere else but in his own lap. At least when I am wrong I say I am wrong.


Nothing New

Thought I might have gotten in  a conversation today but no. As soon as he answered I sensed it in his voice and said well, I won't keep you. He was just driving. He said ok, bye. That was it. I'm not calling again. I have on my pjs, I took my meds and I am in the bed. I texted a simple goodnight. The NC isn't working so well. I'm keeping it to a minimum though. I wonder if he talks to anyone else while he is out there. I wonder if it is just me. He says it is everybody but I know him. He likes to seek solace in the words of other women who don't know him. They don't know how he is. They get the charm. I get the trash. I could double a million bucks by betting he is doing this. Every time I say something like, you don't want me here, he just says, your words, not mine. Not, oh no, of course I want you here. He never says hey, I love you but right now I am going through some things. Please don't take it personally if I seem to shut you out.
I just know he's talking to some other women online. That s who he is. That is what he does.

More later...

I did a few things

So today I woke up with a fresh head, decided to do some things. I called R's doctor, spoke with the nurse. Had hoped the stupid psych would have had time to talk to him but his therapist did instead. It's weird but earlier today R sounded almost normal like he would have talked to me. Then later in the day he was back to being like a devil, not wanting to talk to anyone. SO instead of getting my feelings hurt again I just cut the conversation short and hung up.I don't feel like crying. I don't feel like worrying anymore about him but I am. In fact I have more regard for his well being than I do for my own. Last night I thought about getting a gun. It's 8 bucks for a purchasing permit. But then I saw the fine print about them checking with the county deed office to see if a person had ever been involuntarily committed. Well I have. I'm not crazy, not too much anyway, just a little. Maybe that is God's way of saying no, you don't need that. One day you might decide to do the wrong thing. That was the whole purpose of wanting to buy it, but I started thinking. I can't leave my P or the dogs. As for R, I'm not so worried about him. I think he is much more interested in staying mad at the world for the moment.
I wish someone would hire me. All I keep getting are ejection emails. I know my record sucks but everyone needs to work. Someone has got to hire me. Maybe if I worked and made some decent money he would lighten up. I don't know.
Today I feel ignore. I just kinda feel like no one is interested in hearing what I have to say. It's funny but when I talk to R he asks me why I sound so glum. Why? Because I''m stressed and very depressed and more concerned about him. But if I start to have a conversation about how I'm feeling or anything he turns it around to him and then says I am talking too much. He becomes angry. He gets aggravated. So I clam up and try and shove all of these feelings down as deep as I can. But they won't go anywhere. They sit on the surface like a bad storm on the horizon. It's never very far off. If I had my license I could go somewhere but where?  Anywhere but sitting here feeling low.
I guess I have to put up with him until July. Maybe then they will change his medication. I think I need some for myself.
well, more later..

1-20 of 195 Blogs   

Previous Posts
Reflection, posted March 25th, 2014
Good News Bad News, posted March 23rd, 2014
Something to think About, posted February 1st, 2014
Checking in, posted January 27th, 2014
On the agenda, posted November 7th, 2013
Couldn't Sleep, posted November 4th, 2013
Cloudy Day, posted October 17th, 2013
Friends, how many of us have them?, posted October 16th, 2013
It finally came out, posted October 3rd, 2013
So what else is new, posted September 22nd, 2013, 2 comments
nothing has changed, posted August 18th, 2013
Hopeless, posted May 7th, 2013
In a Daze, posted May 6th, 2013
Silence, posted May 5th, 2013
Sisters and this thing called God, posted May 4th, 2013
One down, Two to Go, posted May 2nd, 2013
I knew it, I had a feeling, posted May 1st, 2013
Today was a little Productive, posted April 30th, 2013, 1 comment
Nothing New, posted April 27th, 2013
I did a few things, posted April 26th, 2013
slipping, posted April 12th, 2013
I saw it Coming, posted April 4th, 2013
Note from a trucker's wife, posted December 10th, 2012
The Same Over and Over, posted October 17th, 2012
Like a recurring Dream, posted May 15th, 2012
Bah Humbug, posted December 19th, 2011, 1 comment
It Has Been a Long Time, posted November 22nd, 2011, 1 comment
Hello again EP, posted November 20th, 2010
Long Time no write, posted April 26th, 2010
My friend B, posted January 9th, 2010
feeling better, posted January 5th, 2010
something something something...uh i don't know, posted January 5th, 2010
Moving On..sorta, posted January 2nd, 2010
Just thinking, posted December 21st, 2009, 2 comments
Will revisited, posted December 16th, 2009
oh well.., posted November 25th, 2009
Numb, posted November 18th, 2009
been a while, posted November 8th, 2009, 2 comments
it's been a while, posted September 1st, 2009
Checking In, posted August 7th, 2009
Alone this week, posted July 27th, 2009
Babysitting, posted July 25th, 2009
Its been a while, posted July 9th, 2009
christy, posted June 2nd, 2009
Lisa, posted April 6th, 2009
A Decision, posted March 31st, 2009
No Funny Head today, posted March 28th, 2009
Another day another day..., posted March 23rd, 2009, 1 comment
Checking In, posted March 18th, 2009
haiku for insomnia (me and the cat), posted February 22nd, 2009
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