nicoleal20's Blog

I feel hopeless right now. I slept all night, woke up every other hour just to check my phone. For what? I don't know. Then I feel back asleep. I'm up now, feeling somewhat hopeless about everything. M sent me an email. They just got back from Palm Springs. So? Does that give you any reason to totally ignore me when I text you? Or take weeks to reply? I'm not responding. I don't have anything to say and I don't feel like being fake for her.
No, R didn't call me yesterday or today yet. I doubt he will call me today. Why should he? I'm only his wife. Oh wait, that means nothing to him these days because he doesn't want to talk to anyone, or is it just me? In any case I feel as low as can be. All I want to do is sleep. At least when I sleep I am in another world dreaming about happier things. When I open my eyes reality comes back again and it doesn't help. I get to feeling hopeless again.
I wish he had let me go back to NY. I wish he had said, no I don't want to marry you right now. I wish he had the nerve to say any one of those things because it would be far better now than the lies he spewed out. He's always trying to help someone at his own expense. I would have managed.I regret staying. I wish I had just worked something out with Diane or something. Now I actually regret moving in here, getting married, staying for as long as I have because it has been all fake for him. it has all be one big act for him. He's not happy. Why stay with someone who isn't happy? I could be alone and be miserable and feel happier than I do now because at least I would not have any expectations. All these years have been a waste, a colossal waste.
I think I will go to Wal Mart and get some medicine to help me sleep. I'm almost out of the klonopin and I don't want another script.
More later..


I

That's how I fee,like I am in a daze. I went to bed without taking any geodon, and I slept! I woke up every other hours. It was like I was reminding myself that I was sad for a reason. Then I fell back asleep. I took two klonopin this am to keep the anxiety down. I'm going to take another one in a bit. I broke my word and texted r good morning. He sad good morning back. That was it. I don't know where he is or where he is going or anything. All I know is if I call he probably won't answer the phone. He will shut it off first/

I finished my last EDU assignment ever and turned it in.Not the best powerpoint I made but it will  have to do.Now I just need to take the geography exam, which I am worried about. The exams are not m strong point. Plus I got my stats on unemployment wrong. Oh freaking well. It's May 6 and I am done with this school stuff.

I don't think we will talk today. It makes me so sad.. It's like it steps on my spirit, crushing it. I have no spirit. I'm just left with this empty feeling, this huge void that I don't know how to fill. And I bet he doesn't know that and if he did he probably wouldn't care. He's numb and I'm numb too. If he doesn't care why should I? Why should I cry or feel sad or lie in bed for days on end? He doesn't care. He stopped caring a long time ago. In fact, I don't think he ever cared. It's just going through the motions, man. Going through the motions.
I'm going to feed the dogs, take some more klonopin and go back to sleep.

more later..

I was going to wait to see f he would call me today but i couldn't wait so i called him. from the moment the phone was answered things were tense. i didn't say the right thing. he was talking about water in the truck. thenhis son called. he wanted to go  but i said why cant he call you back? because his son rarely calls him. That's a lie. just last week he was tired of hearing from everyone, even his son because he said he was tired of his bs. Now, knowing that we are having such a hard time right now I am still in the back seat. he is supposed to come home on Friday. I bet he will hanging out there until Sunday night and then just leave on Monday. I'm thinking of maybe going somewhere on Friday to Sunday so he won't have to look at me. I left him some texts and then i tried to call him but he turned his phone off so i decided to fill up all of his voicemail box. But i didn't because after 23 calls it became tiresome.
none of this is making sense. this blog makes no sense. this relationship makes no sense.
more later..

I got up, took my pill and went right back to bed. Then I heard my sister talking to someone through the door about mowing the lawn. She came to ask me but I feigned sleep. I got up and mowed the back, got nearly done with the front and ran out of gas. Lazy me left the patch for another day. I'll get some gas tomorrow.

While I was mowing I started thinking. Why doesn't my sister ever come out here to do this? She doesn't help with the bills. She doesn't clean any part of the house except her room and dishes. She doesn't cook. So what's the deal? I know she is busy doing her homework but I have homework too. I need to pass my classes or I won't be eligible for financial aid. I dunno. It just occurred to me that she doesn't do anything around here. Doesn't even mop the muddy prints off the kitchen floor when the dogs come in. Doesn't wash the rugs. Doesn't clean the old food out of the fridge. Doesn't sweep and mop anywhere except P's bedroom where she is sleeping. To be honest, I don't like living with her because of this. Help out. This isn't a hotel. But I'm  not going to have that conversation because talking to her is like talking to a drill sergeant. She gets a louder and  louder with each word that comes from her mouth until she's telling you what to do. She's a very spiritual person but sometimes I think she lets it go to her head. I make a point not to have those discussions with her anymore because she talks like she knows everything. Oh she knows a lot but not everything about God and stuff. With every situation God will fix it. Ok, When is God going to move you and your many boxes of crap out of our house and permanently into your own place? Please tell me when because it is going on a year now. When P went off to college she had just moved in. P is coming home next week and she won't be able to sleep in her room because my sister is there.

I am not sure how I feel about her still being here. It's nice to have company but at the same time she wants to go to school full time so she can complete this degree. Not a lot of time in there for work, or is there? I don't know. If I were to have that conversation I would just say look, at least help keep the whole house clean. For all intent and purposes you live here. Your mail comes here. Pick up a broom. Take the trash out. I mean, what gives? Oh yeah, and cook a meal every so often that isn't just greens. I guess she figures since she doesn't really eat the food all the time why should she cook it. It is frustrating.

Speaking of God, most times I feel like she has this special insight into God. She prays for people and things happen. I pray for people and I don't know. Nothing happens. Is there a God? I read the bible sometimes. I talk to God sometimes. I would really like to know like many people why there is so much misery in this world. I'm talking about with children. Why are children starving, being murdered? Where is God and how long will He continue to let this go on? He let his own people be slaves for 400 years. I don't get that. Then he made them wander in the desert. I don't get that either. Babies are being born with the most incredible, strangest, deadliest diseases and conditions. Why God? Are you listening? Do you care? Or is this another part of your plan that is so complex our puny brains would never understand? People have to die so you can be glorified? What kind of God is this?

No, I'm not an atheist but I see why people lose their faith or never obtain any in a deity. It is so complicated. Basically you have to keep one eye open for this but close your other eye to that because you wouldn't understand. Ask someone like Diane why all of this is happening and she will say something like, people are falling under the influence of demonic forces and they don't want to be saved right now. They need deliverance. A starving child in Africa needs deliverance because somewhere in his or her family someone practiced voodoo or any other religion that did not honor a Christian God, THE Christian God, therefore he or she has to suffer until the entire family is delivered from that evil.That sounds messed up and hopeless.

On another note, R got on my nerves just a tad today. I want to go to the store. If the Chevy were in the driveway I would just drive to the market. I'm getting used to that car. But the Ford's gs pedal is super sensitive and I don't have my license yet. I'm still learning. He kept saying, ask D (my sister to take you. I kept telling him she was and still is busy doing homework and she probably wasn't going to take a break. I don't dare take a taxi. He finally got annoyed and said he had to go. Oh yeah, he says he doesn't talk to anyone but he sure had a lot to say about his other trucking friends and what they have been up to. So it's not everyone. It's just me...? Well screw him too. He only calls me if he is returning my call. I guess I can't do anything right in his eyes. I sound depressed, I say the wrong thing, I'm not independent.

Well, I think I've said enough. More later...

I am officially done with my world religions course. I took the final, turned in my essay. I don't have to look at that book ever again as of 4 pm. I just hope I pass. This is the third time taking this course and I don't want to have to take something else in its place. I will settle for a C. Now I just have the education and geography classes left. I'm working on a powerpoint about child abuse. For the other I just need to jump in and take the final. I even got 100 for submitting a good question for the discussion forum, and I replied to another question.
Today has been an okay day. I got up early and went to UPS fr a short job interview/tour. It looks alright and the benefits sound great but I dont know if I can lift 70 pounds on a regular basis. I don't have a lot of muscle mass. The idea of having to do it possibly from time to time if I get this job makes my forearms hurt. But I also applied for a couple of desk jobs, so I am hoping on one of those. I feel like something is going to come my way soon and I hope it is the desk job, although UPS offers free health, dental and vision.Nothing to scoff at for four hours of work a day.

R has been ok today, not fussy. Good because I have a headache. I'm not in the mood for fussiness. Actually right now I'm in the mood for sleep. Staring at a computer screen all afternoon has made me tired.

I haven't heard from M since I sent her that text. I have been thinking a lot about our so called friendship. I don't even think I can call it that. I really don't know anything about her. If I text her today she will finally bother to reply in 3 days to a week. I don't call that friendship. I call it weird. I don't know what she looks like. She won't send me pictures of herself or even discuss anything outside of basic  chatter. And it is barely basic chatter. I regret that I told her very personal things about my life and relationship with R. At the time I needed someone to talk to and I remembered how we used to be best friends. I need to forget that now because it really has nothing to do with our present relationship.  Our present relationship is a joke, a farce. It has no depth, no real meaning. I don't think I am going to initiate any emails or texts with her anymore. I don't think its worth it. I'm definitely keeping my personal life to myself because she doesn't need to know. She doesn't need to know. We are not best friends anymore. This isn't 1981 and we're not even in the same socioeconomic class. She is rich, does wealthy things. I am not rich and we live paycheck to paycheck. I don't have time to take classes i school just because. I need a career, a job. I don't have the option of not working anymore. I have to work now because we need the money.

SOmetimes it is better to just lie low, don't get yourself wrapped up in people and things. My problem is with people. I would love something to be excited about in a positive way that has nothing to do with people like M. I thought maybe our friendship would blossom again but it is so clear now that she doesn't want it that way So I'm done trying.
I have lost a number of potential friends over the past few years, and lost ground with others. Take B, for example. He's a good egg but he basically dropped me like a hot potato for his  fiance. I'm not saying that its wrong but we were friends for a long time and she came along and he changed. Same thing with D. He really changed. He makes sure to keep his wife away from me,not because I don't like her.I do. I think he doesn't want a friendship between us. Also we don't talk like we used to. It's all work chatter and superficial stuff,when it comes. I don't text him too much anymore. I  don't have anything to say.
This is why my friendship circle is so tiny. I want a friend who will be there through thick and thin and not ditch me because they found someone new in their life. I can't compete with that. I shouldn't have to.

more later...

Today started off with me having a lack of motivation and ended up with me screaming at R because once again, he wasn't' listening.I mentioned something about how it will be a shame that P won't have her room to sleep in and he automatically assumed I was going to say something about his ex girlfriend, which I wasn't. To be honest I don't think I was going to say anything else but if I were it was going to be something along the lines of my sister has been here much longer than we expected and  she is the one in my daughter's room. She was talking about going to stay with her son. Maybe she should. I mean, it's not fair that P has to come home from college and go from sleeping on the couch to a cot to my bed depending on who is home. She has no place to put any of her things at all. it doesn't' seem like anything is going on as far as my sister finding her own place or getting a job or anything. This isn't a hotel for crying out loud. Sometimes it is nice having company here and then a lot of times I am just ready for everyone to be gone. L is coming and I don't really want her to come but R is so concerned about her welfare and whatnot. Bullshit. I don't care. I was the one who brought up the idea in the first place but now I'm like this: you come here you have such amount of time to get your crap together and find your own place. R doesn't want that. He wants her to stay as long as she needs to, like D. I wish they both would go away. This is the last time, THE LAST TIME anyone else is coming here to stay. I don't care who it is . The city has a shelter. Use it.

So now I am sitting here feeling stressed and worried and a little aggravated that every time this happens he totally shuts me out. I don't blame my feelings on him. They are my emotions and I own up to them. I wish he would answer so I could apologize or something. But then why do I have to apologize? He is the one who jumped to conclusions before I even finished what I was saying. I'm only apologizing for calling him a bastard and a son of a bitch, which he really can be at times.
I am so incredibly unhappy these days. Nothing I say is right. Nothing I do is right. Everything is wrong. I was going to take some finals today but my mind is somewhere else right now and I can't even focus. I get thrown off track when I talk to him. I get turned around from what I planned to do. The emotions take over and I can't even think straight. I wish I had a lot of money, enough to buy myself a house and pay it off. Then enough for taxes and such. I could finish up school and stuff and live alone with the dogs. P could come and visit and that would be it. No one else. No movers in, no oh let me stay for a few weeks until I get myself on my feet. None of that. Just me and the dogs. That's it.
I need to be alone. Being in a relationship has gotten too complicated, too many emotions floating around, too much anger. If I get this job tomorrow then I am going to take it and I am going to pay for the care. That way the care can be mine in 5 years, not his.Or I could go and buy my own, but I have no credit and I like this car. I'll even pay for the Onstar and the XM radio. I'm going to have something of my own. First the car and then a house. You'll see..

more later.

I got a lot of homework done today. Right now all I have left is a powerpoint presentation and two finals, plus that blasted discussion forum. I am not as stressed as I have been the past week, but all is not gone.
I applied for some more jobs today and I hope someone calls. It amazes me that there are jobs out there but everyone wants you to have experience. How can you get experience if you can't get a job? When are employers going to figure that one out. The other thing that kills me is that some of these jobs pay well and the work is easy but the requirements are steep. Others pay minimum wage and they want 2 years of work experience. I don't get it. Someone just give me  a chance. I don't want to  go on welfare (if I could), and it would be nice to contribute to the expenses.

I talked to R today. He was ok. I was cautious. Still asks me why I sound bleah. It's not bleah, dumbass, it's me not wanting to be cursed out by you for saying the wrong thing. But I cannot even say that because it will spark an argument. First he will sigh, and then he will say something like, don't go there. I'm having a good day, as if to imply that I always bring the rain. I hope in time he learns to own up to his emotions and actions because  he doesn't. HE will lay the blame anywhere else but in his own lap. At least when I am wrong I say I am wrong.

Thought I might have gotten in  a conversation today but no. As soon as he answered I sensed it in his voice and said well, I won't keep you. He was just driving. He said ok, bye. That was it. I'm not calling again. I have on my pjs, I took my meds and I am in the bed. I texted a simple goodnight. The NC isn't working so well. I'm keeping it to a minimum though. I wonder if he talks to anyone else while he is out there. I wonder if it is just me. He says it is everybody but I know him. He likes to seek solace in the words of other women who don't know him. They don't know how he is. They get the charm. I get the trash. I could double a million bucks by betting he is doing this. Every time I say something like, you don't want me here, he just says, your words, not mine. Not, oh no, of course I want you here. He never says hey, I love you but right now I am going through some things. Please don't take it personally if I seem to shut you out.
I just know he's talking to some other women online. That s who he is. That is what he does.

More later...

So today I woke up with a fresh head, decided to do some things. I called R's doctor, spoke with the nurse. Had hoped the stupid psych would have had time to talk to him but his therapist did instead. It's weird but earlier today R sounded almost normal like he would have talked to me. Then later in the day he was back to being like a devil, not wanting to talk to anyone. SO instead of getting my feelings hurt again I just cut the conversation short and hung up.I don't feel like crying. I don't feel like worrying anymore about him but I am. In fact I have more regard for his well being than I do for my own. Last night I thought about getting a gun. It's 8 bucks for a purchasing permit. But then I saw the fine print about them checking with the county deed office to see if a person had ever been involuntarily committed. Well I have. I'm not crazy, not too much anyway, just a little. Maybe that is God's way of saying no, you don't need that. One day you might decide to do the wrong thing. That was the whole purpose of wanting to buy it, but I started thinking. I can't leave my P or the dogs. As for R, I'm not so worried about him. I think he is much more interested in staying mad at the world for the moment.
I wish someone would hire me. All I keep getting are ejection emails. I know my record sucks but everyone needs to work. Someone has got to hire me. Maybe if I worked and made some decent money he would lighten up. I don't know.
Today I feel ignore. I just kinda feel like no one is interested in hearing what I have to say. It's funny but when I talk to R he asks me why I sound so glum. Why? Because I''m stressed and very depressed and more concerned about him. But if I start to have a conversation about how I'm feeling or anything he turns it around to him and then says I am talking too much. He becomes angry. He gets aggravated. So I clam up and try and shove all of these feelings down as deep as I can. But they won't go anywhere. They sit on the surface like a bad storm on the horizon. It's never very far off. If I had my license I could go somewhere but where?  Anywhere but sitting here feeling low.
I guess I have to put up with him until July. Maybe then they will change his medication. I think I need some for myself.
well, more later..

it's another one of those days when I feel as though I want to just get away from here. my mood is beyond low. everything is getting on my nerves. the dogs keep whining. my sister wanted to give me a driving lesson. I didn't feel like being bothered but I did it anyway. I wish everyone would go away.

So last night my husband and I were talking about the situation with his son and his marital problems. His son is going through a divorce right now, as well as a bunch of other issues. He made a comment about women need to get off their lazy fat asses and get a job and stop sitting around doing nothing. I asked if that was directed towards me. He said no, it was in general, but if the shoe fits, wear it.  SO then the conversation takes its path down the road of him not wanting to be married. He just wants to live alone in the mountains somewhere like Grizzly Adams. He only married me because of my daughter. She is grown and in college now so there is no need for us to stay together.
Needless to say I felt very hurt. I wasn't shocked. I felt it coming on for some time. He doesn't call me like he used to or anything. The thing is one minute he will be all nice and talking about our future and the next thing I know he wants me out of here. I think what he really wants is for me to get a job. Like I said he won't even take life insurance out on himself because he doesn't want me to live off of it. I said, I don't want to live off your death money, but you can think of all the expenses you will be leaving behind, and the cost of a funeral. No, he says. He wants me to pay for it all, learn to be independent. He is so sure I would not be able to take care of myself if he were not here. He is wrong.
I am wrestling with the idea of bargaining with him. You know, lets stay together and I will pay you rent and half the bills. But that sounds like a tenant, not a wife. We don't really kiss. We have no sex life. What am I holding onto? I love him dearly, and I have always felt that we were meant to be together. This back and forth with his emotions is really starting to wear on me. My sister said, why not give him what he wants? He might see in the process that what he wanted was a loving wife and all that good stuff. I don't know about all of that. All I know is that I don't like been seen as nothing more than an expense or lazy or anything like that. I can deal with us not being together but I  sure am going to miss the dogs.
Everything still remains to be seen. For now I am not going to bother him at work or even text him. Right now I don't think there is anything to say between us. I'm not closing the door of communication. I'm giving him his space. He won't call me anyway.
more later...

My husband has been a trucker for over 20 years. He complains sometimes but he has told me a good number of times that he loves the job. I have not always loved it. The separation can be really..draining, and it gets old fast. But,  that is what he did when I met him so I cannot complain.

But here I guess I will. Or maybe it is not so much complaining as it is an observation.

My husband and I are moving in two different directions. He is leasing a truck so he is his own business. He decides what loads he will take, where to buy fuel, all the stuff an owner operator would do. He works hard, drives long hours. He is not home every day or even every month, so spending time with him is limited. Right now he is the only breadwinner. I'm looking but no bites yet. These days everything is about dollars and cents. He complains that I don't have a job. He complains sometimes that he has to run hard (his words)  to make ends meet.  We have no marriage life. When he is home he is naturally tired, and I don't ask him to do anything. I do the stuff a wife would do for her husband. When he is watching that all so boring Military Channel, I will sit in the living room with him even though I am totally done with watching yet another show about Hitler and Nazi Germany. It's either that or Star Wars. It's cool though, because that is what married couples do, they put up with those little things to make their spouses happy.

Lately I have been wondering, what do I get out of it? While he is alone in his truck I am alone here. When he comes in maybe I would like to watch something that we both enjoy. Maybe I would like to go out to eat, or go bowling or something. Maybe I would like someone else to get up, feed the dogs and the cat and bring me breakfast in bed. Just one time.

But, I cannot ask these things. All it does is spark an argument. I don't ask for much. I don't spend up his money. I don't fuss at him anymore about not being home. I don't complain about all the things he promises he will do and does not want me to do, but never does them. I do what I know how to do myself, and if I cannot do it I find someone who will. I don't complain that he sleeps most of the weekend so in essence I am still alone. I know he is tired and needs all the rest he can get. I know he misses having home cooked meals and watching cable tv. If I gather up the nerve to say something his response is, " look, I'm the one who's paying the bills. I don't see you working. You want a roof over your head, right? You want to eat, right? Somebody has to pay these bills. You just don't understand. When I run hard (?) I get tired. When I come home I don't feel like doing anything. You're here all day. When you're tired all you have to do is lie down and take a nap, which you do anyway. All you do is wake up, feed the dogs and put them out, feed the cat, and then go back to bed. Then you get up later and clean up a little, let the dogs in for treats, watch tv and then let the dogs out. After that maybe you will make dinner, feed the dogs, let them in after awhile, eat, take your meds, and go to sleep. On Fridays you pay the bills. Sometimes you will enter in stuff onto the spreadsheet ( that I made from scratch mind you, to keep track of his expenses, income, and taxes). When you get a job  then maybe I can take some time off without worrying how the bills will get paid. I'm tired of supporting everybody (me). Why doesn't anybody (me) support me sometimes?"

After all of that I feel like a speck on the floor and say nothing more.

Dollars and cents. Not, hey lets do something together. Instead it's, I'm going to do this and I expect you to be there and it will be our together time whether you like it or not, BECAUSE I MAKE THE MONEY AND YOU DON'T. Period.

Gosh, I hope someone hires me.

Dollars and cents.

These past few months have been very uneventful. My daughter is enjoying herself in college. She came home three weeks in a row which was great. I love laughing and joking around with her. Let me fill you in on a few things, sort of an update:

I decided to put this mistrust of R behind me. It was having too much of a negative effect on how I felt about him. I mean, I have no proof of anything anymore. I have been assuming things for the past year. Besides, I left it in God's hands. No point in agonizing over anything anymore.

I spoke to D a week ago. He did most of the talking. It wasn't exactly a warm and friendly conversation. It's like one of those conversations you would have with someone who you just happened to see but you're not really friends with anymore. You're just being cordial. He talked about his job and that was pretty much it. I keep hoping and holding on to something that is no longer there. It's like i want to be that special someone in his life that he can always turn to when things are looking down. No matter how I slice it or dice it I can't be that person anymore. I really miss having that role in his life. Now I am just the mother of his daughter and not necessarily his friend. The other night I had a dream I was living with him and another ex boyfriend whom I was in love with. D really got on my nerves in the dream because he was not paying attention to me like I wanted him to. The old feelings were still there. My sister said it is time to let go. it is hard. He was my only close friend and I don't have any others. However, these dreams are trying to tell me something and I think it is time I listened. I think I have been in love with a dream. When I really think about it, D can be a royal jerk sometimes. He can be cold and cruel. He can also be very demanding and disrespectful at times. I hate when he tells me whatever. I think that is one of the rudest things anyone can say in that context. It means i don't care about anything you say or do.  I am in love with a certain part of him and not the whole package. Same thing with Charles, the other ex in the dream. He was a real jerk too a lot of times, but I was in love with the good lover, the quiet understanding part of him. I only wanted that package, not the whole thing. Otherwise I would have tried to change him and you can't change anyone.

I finally got my learners permit. it wasn't as hard as I thought. I got all of the answers right and missed just one sign. Now on to the other part, learning how to drive. There is one place in town that has a good deal, but there have been some complaints. I don't feel like going through a mess if one should arise.

School. I have to complete a full semester before I can get any financial aid. That is my guess because no one has told me anything. I sent an email to my adviser and she never responded, so poo poo on her. I'll try the other woman. I hate being ignored. You want my money? then answer my emails, thank you. I do not know if I am going to be able to afford to go in the winter because we have taxes to pay. I haven't even figured out the state yet. For the feds I think it's going to be 5k. For the state it might be around 3k. We need to have that saved up before the 1st qtr.

My sister is still living here. It's ok, I guess. I think I would fall into a serious depression if she were not here. It would be too quiet. She is a staunch Christian. She does a number of ministries and attends church without fail. She can speak in tongues and has been filled with the Holy Spirit many times. Me? I guess I cannot compare my walk with Christ to hers. She is walking. I am still a babe in the bassinet just learning how to roll over. There is a touch of jealousy there, yes, and I am trying to push that away because I know it is the devil trying to divide us.

My weight is through the roof. I weigh 266. I am 34 lbs from being 300 pounds. I can remember when 200 was never in sight, and here I am actually worrying about reaching 300 soon. Last night I  ate half a jar of crunchy peanut butter. I sat at the edge of my bed and just ate and ate. I felt so hungry and I don't know why. I had three good sized peaces of Sara Lee pound cake. I had Trix cereal, cheese, dinner too. I start eating and I can't seem to stop. The peanut butter made my stomach feel oogy. I bet it was because of the fat. Today I have had bread and cheese, a Greek yogurt, and some peppermint tea to soothe my tummy. It still feels weird. I am ashamed of myself, but not ashamed enough to stop. I feel like I am out of control. The hunger comes and it doesn't go away. I am always hungry, ALWAYS.

 Now that I have put the update, right now I feel anxious. I don't know why. I woke up with the anxiety and it is still here nagging me like a sinus headache.  Can I ever have a regular day when I am not feeling depressed, angry, jealous, sad, scared, hungry, or anything like that? Sheesh! give me a break, please!

Once again it has been a while since I last wrote. Here's the brief rundown:

1. I failed three out of four of my classes this semester. My GPA is 1.76. I have only finished 55% of my program. I cannot get any financial aid until I pick up my grades. I am thinking of letting it all go.

2. My relationship with R is going OK.

3. I tried to OD on klonopin, heard ambulance sirens, and ran out of the house and hid in the grass because I thought they were after me. (they were.)

4. I am back on the geodon, much to my dismay. For the record, risperidone can definitely cause insomnia.

5. I keep waking up at 13, 14, and 15 minutes after the hour. Coincidence?

6.  I have to have a clinical assessment tomorrow because my psych thinks I am really depressed again.

7. My daughter will be going to college in August and I have no idea what I am going to.

Now the details.
I haven't been motivated at all to do any work for school. I reached a point where I stopped caring again. I don't know why.. well I didn't until the whole klonopin thing. I told my psych about it because the feeling of despair really got to me all of a sudden. I had been happier earlier in the day and by the time the evening came I was feeling like crap. He had therapists call me to check on me for a couple of days. One of them was very honest. He said I was depressed. He said what I did was a cop-out. He also said that I really need to get to the root of my depression or I will continue on this cycle. On Thursday it's  another eval to set me up with group therapy. I hate talking to a group of people, but I cannot afford the alternative, which costs a lot more.

I had to go back on the geodon because I couldn't sleep. The insomnia was affecting my judgement and concentration. The doc gave me a script of risperidone because I don't have insurance and it is much cheaper. After a week of sleeping a few hours, I took a geodon and felt much better. I was hoping to be fully off that stuff but I guess my body needs it or something.

R is getting a new tractor. It is a viper red  2012 389 Peterbilt. It is sweet! He is really living his dream. I am glad for him. We have been doing ok. Yes, I am still suspicious and most likely will always be. I know my husband. In his mind he feels that having relationships with women and  sharing intimate thoughts is ok because it doesn't hurt anybody, and he doesn't particularly care about how I feel. At this point I say whatever. Our sex life is non-existent, and at this point I think I am happy with that. I don't care who he talks to anymore. Just don't have one of those women calling me up with some foolishness.

Oh yeah, I forgot to add one thing to my list: D. We haven't spoken in months. He got upset because I told him he should stop calling me so much and call his daughter. He calls her more now, which is good, but we barely talk anymore. I suppose every friendship has its season. In a way it is a good thing because I haven't thought about him as much as I used to. Before the fantasies stayed stuck in my head for months. Now I don't think about him unless I hear my daughter talking to him on the phone. I'm not mad at him. I guess I just don't have anything to say. He does all the talking anyway. The last time he called me he talked for 10 minutes straight. He did not ask me how I was doing, or R, or our daughter. He went on to lament about work and being so busy and whatnot. Then he hung up.  I am all for listening to friends when they need an ear, but it got on my nerves that day. I thought it was inconsiderate. He left  a message on Mother's Day and I texted him back. I did not listen to the message, I read the transcript. I said hope to talk to you soon, and that was it. Right now I have all of his calls going to voicemail anyway so I can avoid the long, one-way conversation.

So there you have it. I think I will start to come back here more often. I haven't blogged in a long time. Coming here can be therapeutic.

More later..

My mood: pretty Tired and blah
My health: been better

Here we are again, this time of year that really gets me down. I just want to go to a motel room and sleep the whole two weeks away. Instead my aunt is coming over. I sort of didn't want her to come but she sort of invited herself. It was more like, "am I coming to your house for Christmas?" What could I say? Uh, no, you can't come because I don't feel like having you in our house. So from Thurs. to Jan 2 I will be playing hostess , and I hate the idea of it. To me the house is a mess. The two dogs are always underfoot. Plus they need to be de-flead, the house needs to be bombed, and the outside yard treated. Ugh. Oh well..
I should be happier. many people have nothing and I have a roof over my head, food, a bed, running clean water. Yet I am depressed because I don't like what I consider to be the worst holiday season for me. The only holiday I like is July 4th because I like barbecue and the national anthem.
Maybe if Ma hadn't died in December... Maybe if  some of the last words I said to her before she left her home that she would never return to involved an argument about putting up a Christmas tree. She was 80lbs maybe, in excruciating pain, and still fussed at me for putting up that tree. She didn't want me to put it up. I said I was going to do it anyway. Then we argued a little. I saw her one time in the hospital and that was it. A few days after Christmas she died.I never got a chance to say goodbye on that one day she was lucid before her death. it's interesting how sometimes dying people will have that period where they feel well enough to spend those last few hours with their family.
That was 17 years ago. That was then, this is now. I have a family to think of now. I can't be gloomy every Christmas because of something I cannot change.
Still, bah humbug....
more later...

Hi. It has been a long time since I've been here. I have a lot of updating to do.

First: school. I have flunked all of my classes this semester. I just could not get into it. I am thinking of taking next semester off but I don't think I can afford to. My GPA is going to be in the tank and I will need to pick it up. I might go part time.

B: I have not heard from B in months. He sent me a B day gift but he has not written, texted or anything. I emailed him a couple of times but he has not replied. I have no idea if he is still engaged to A. Oh well.

D: D's father id dying. Last I heard he was still alive. I haven't spoken to him in almost a week. I sent him a birthday card. I put some money in it because I know how much he is struggling. I think if I had sent it outright he and his wife would have been offended. Yes, I still think a lot about him and it still irks me that they are together. There isn't anything I can do about it now. I can still dream, though..

R: He finally got what he wanted, his own truck. The money is much better. The bad part is we don't have any health insurance, so we have to pay out of pocket. The good part is that I have been able to pay some old medical bills that have been lingering.

My depression is better. I don't really take wellbutrin anymore. I am off the geodon. I noticed I have been in a singing mood. Mind you, my singing sucks but I have been doing it anyway.

That's it for now. More later..

I keep forgetting about this site..lol. I have been so busy and sometimes down that I haven't been able or wanted to to come on here. Let me give you a quick update.
B is engaged to A. He went to Africa with ring in hand and proposed. Our friendship is ok I guess. I miss the way it used to be, tho.
D is married now and his wife is expecting a boy. Good for him. I miss our friendship there too but there is nothing I can do. I guess I need new friends..some friends..? I  dunno.
Anyway, I enrolled in college. I am taking a full courseload. Major: school age education. Goal: to become a teacher assistant. So far the classes have been rigorous. A paper is due every week. Participation is required in a discussion forum. Oh yeah, all of my classes are online which is good for me. Next semester I am also taking 12 credits, all online. Cool. I am ready. BRING IT ON!!!!
Ahem.. now that I got that out of my system, here is the rest of my news. My daughter is a junior now. She recently got inducted into the National Honor Society. They had a little ceremony. It was nice. I did not realize how hard it was to get into the society in that school. Of all the juniors and seniors, only 8 people were iinducted. She is still in the band and now in a group as well. She has already gotten lots of letters from colleges. She made a choice but it might change.
I still email or text Maxine. She is so lucky. She and her husband just take off to the Carribean on a whim, or off to Hawaii. Yes, I am a bit jealous. Every relationship I have had has been with a man who had holes in his pockets. And there she is with a man who is rolling in dough, so much that she doesn't even have to work. Life is nice.
I am going to get my learners permiit again. This time I am going to see it through and get my license so I can by a Hyundai Accent. Yeah, I probably should buy American, like a Ford. But those are made in Mexico anyway. At least our car was. Anyway, the Accent is so cute and just my size. I am ready, finally, to hit the road. I want to take off in the summer and go to the beach. I want to spend the day in Charlotte. There are so many places I want to go. I am excited.
And there you have it. I will try and write more often during the Christmas break.
Good night and good luck.
More later...

It has been a long time since I wrote a blog here. Let's get right into it. B's girlfriend A and I are done. She wants nothing to do with me. We became friends and then I had a few moments where I acted a fool and she said forget. She felt "betrayed". Whatever. I apologized so many times to her but she still will not talk to me. Oh well. B and I almost ended our friendship but now we are back to being friends. We don't talk as much as we used to and I told him the other day I will never ever mention A to him again. He blows it off when I do anyway, as if he doesn't want us to be friends. Whatever.

On to D. He will be getting married at the end of the week. I am not going to go all into it right now. I will only say thta the situation was the same with his fiacee and me and iin the end he told me not to talk to him or her for now. Then today he says we have a rift. What??? First you don't want me to talk to you and then when I don't you think I am igging you? Come on now. I don't think he knows what he doing anymore. So busy trying to rush the marriage. I thin he is afraid if he waits he will lose her. Oh well. It hurt me when he said what he said this morning but as R said, don't allow them to rent space in your head. But I do not want him or her to think that I don't care for them. I truly do. I am merely respecting their wishes.

On to me. In August I will be going to college to major in school age education. I know. It boils down to being a teacher assistant. With all the cutbacks and stuff, it actually might be  better for me to sub. But I want a degree. I started college 20+ years ago and I plan on finishing it. Oh yes, I am back to subbing. So far I have done 7 assignments. I need MORE. We need the moolah desperately.

Everyone here is fine. That's it for today. Perhaps I will be back tomorrow.

Oh yes, I haven't been depressed in a long time.

more later...1:10pm