nicoleal20's Blog

It has been a long time since I wrote a blog here. Let's get right into it. B's girlfriend A and I are done. She wants nothing to do with me. We became friends and then I had a few moments where I acted a fool and she said forget. She felt "betrayed". Whatever. I apologized so many times to her but she still will not talk to me. Oh well. B and I almost ended our friendship but now we are back to being friends. We don't talk as much as we used to and I told him the other day I will never ever mention A to him again. He blows it off when I do anyway, as if he doesn't want us to be friends. Whatever.

On to D. He will be getting married at the end of the week. I am not going to go all into it right now. I will only say thta the situation was the same with his fiacee and me and iin the end he told me not to talk to him or her for now. Then today he says we have a rift. What??? First you don't want me to talk to you and then when I don't you think I am igging you? Come on now. I don't think he knows what he doing anymore. So busy trying to rush the marriage. I thin he is afraid if he waits he will lose her. Oh well. It hurt me when he said what he said this morning but as R said, don't allow them to rent space in your head. But I do not want him or her to think that I don't care for them. I truly do. I am merely respecting their wishes.

On to me. In August I will be going to college to major in school age education. I know. It boils down to being a teacher assistant. With all the cutbacks and stuff, it actually might be  better for me to sub. But I want a degree. I started college 20+ years ago and I plan on finishing it. Oh yes, I am back to subbing. So far I have done 7 assignments. I need MORE. We need the moolah desperately.

Everyone here is fine. That's it for today. Perhaps I will be back tomorrow.

Oh yes, I haven't been depressed in a long time.

more later...1:10pm

 Ok. So I have this online friend named B who has been such a good friend. Now he has a girlfriend from Ghana and since then we have hardly spoken. it's always A this and A that. He sends me  emails of their conversations. Ok, they were sweet and first but now it's like, who cares dude. I know what is wrong with me. My good friend's focus has shifted and I feel left out of his life. Yes, I am thinking irrationally and I have been trying to stop. That's why I decided to take a break from responding to emails and texts especially from him. I need to gather myself and be happy for him, not jealous of him. But for now, I'm going to do it this way.

Not much going on. R is in OK. P is doing well. I had another dream about my mom. She was angry with me. She would not talk to me. it's like that year when she actually did not talk to me. Apparently it still bothers me. This is dream number 3 in a row that I have had about her. Over the course of the past 6 months I have had at least a dozen dreams like that. I was either angry with her and she angry with me, or I was fighting my siblings and finding myself back in the mental hospital. WHat does it all mean? It means in my mind there is still a lot of resentment for my family. Another thing I need to work on.

I  stink at my diet. I already feel defeated..sigh So far it has been a not so good day.

well, nothing new today. didnt do much except  clean. trying to jumpstart my diet but am failing miserably. i have a few problems. first i need portion control. i need to stop eating in bed. i need to eat breakfast and lunch and snacks so when dinner comes i am not that hungry. i need to exercise. these are my goals for tomorrow. it'll do pig. it'll do..

last night i got drunk. i feel better now but i saw something that really bothered me at first. then it came to me. what does it matter? yes, he is lying again but so what. if i get angry he will use that as an excuse to keep doing what he is doing. i won't give him the satisfaction. no, not this time. when i stopped asking about one of the others, she faded away. and so will this one.

 Christmas was nice. Nita was here. R made it home. It was nice. I got an adjustment on the lamictal and I feel much better.

So R read the post. In a way I was upset but in another way I thought, good. I'm glad he knows now. He did not deny the affair. He just said he loves me. So I am right. And I just don't care. At the risk of sounding like D, whatever man.. Like I said, he will eventually get tired of Christy or whoever. Me? I'm going to get a job, try with my license and just do better for myself. I don't like feeling helpless and I don't like being broke.  And I don't like wasting my time on R's shenanigans.

I feel..liberated. And I feel pretty ok emotionally. This is where I should have always been in the first place. I don't think R and I will ever have sex again and you know what? I'm ok with it. I'm not stressing over it and I decided from this day on not to ask him about it anymore. If there comes a time when I am in the mood for him then I will just do, not ask if he wants to or anything like that. Sometimes I miss sex and most of the time I don't. Sex has never been a big thing for me and I don't mind a celibate marriage. I suppose he is getting it from Christy and that's ok too. Why? Because it doesn't matter to me anymore.

Over the weekend I thought about what I would say if I had undeniable proof about R and Christy besides that letter and the phone calls and texts. I decided I would say to him, ' If this is what you feel you need to do to feel like more of a man, to be happy then there isn't much I can do. I will say this. This is my home and I'm not going anywhere. You want to have your tryst? have enough respect for me, your daughter and our home to not bring that woman in here ever.'. And that's it.

The thing about R is he seems to always be seeking satisfaction  and true happiness in all these women, even me. First he has to be happy with himself, with his actions. No woman can make you happy unless you are happy with yourself. I hope one day he realizes that if he looks deep inside himself he will probably find what he has been looking for all this time. Aside from this nonsense he's a good guy. He just needs to be real with himself, and how about being real with me?  he thinks that lying is the best way right now. But it's really doing nothing but making me lose a little respect for him every day. I mean, it's in my face. If this is what he wants then say so. Step up like a man and say so. Don't continue with these foolish high school games. it's all  almost transparent now. I may not have solid solid proof but I have a pretty good idea that he is sleeping with Christy and maybe even seeing her on the sly when he tells me he is somewhere else. Actually he would be here.

I feel sorry for R. Not to toot my own horn but I'm probably the best woman he has ever had. And he is blowing it.

When a man cheats, he is taken in by the novelty of having a new woman, new sex, whatever. He also loves the thrill of the secrecy. But in many cheater relationships, the mistress always wants something. More time, money, divorce the wife, something. And the man gets tired of her, sometimes goes back to his wife and sometimes realizes he had it all already.

i say this because this is what is going on with my husband right now.  he thinks I don't know but come on, he knew I would see the number on the bill, he knew I would ask and he knew I would get upset. And I did. I made the awful, awful mistake of texting the mistress and telling her to leave my husband alone. Then it dawned on me. The less I show concern about this, the less thrill there will be for him. Right now he likes working both sides of the fence but like I said, after a while the mistress  is going to get tired of things as they are and start wanting more. And me? I will continue takiing care of myself and my daughter and ignore my husband. There isn't much I can do anyway because he will keep seeing her. I  cannot control people, places and things. So I am not even going to bother this time. I'm also not going to check his phone records or emails anymore. Waste of my time.

So will and I had it out finally via facebook. I took him off my friends list because he was ignoring me. he gave the same bs song and dance about how he struggling and blah blah blah. um ok. Why can't you say i'm ok? or even ok? Then he proceeded to tell me that I want to be involved in every aspect of his life. Interesting coming from a man who used to do the same thing. I admit, for a time I did but a couple of weeks ago after writing him that long letter, I decided I was done. I can't fix him. I can't change him. And at this point i do not want to hear about his depressing life that he chooses to live in. That's his business. I thing the one thing that bothers me the most about will is that he wants people to pity him. He likes to sort of whine sometimes about his problems. or he puts some leave me alone message on his status on FB. Whatever dude! I think he revells in his depression. I think as long as he stays where he is at emotionally he won't have the grueling task of actually facing his troubles. That's why to me he is toxic in a way. I used to get pulled in emotionally from his troubles. It affected me greatly. Now... now I don't care. He has no idea how little I care now. I wrote my thoughts in a message to him just a few minutes ago. I told him not to reply because basically I'm done. If and when he gets his life in order and wants to re-establish a relationship then I will be cool with it. For now, I can't deal with it.

He said I was trying to force the friendship. He's right. I  was. I kept thinking of Miss Suzy, Maxine and MIchelle and I didnt want that to happen with will.  It has been a learning experience for me. That's the one thing I can say about tihs whole thing. I learned just what I said earlier. I cannot change people, places or things. His problems are NOT my problems, and it's ok to back off, to separate myself from a relationship that is pulling me down. Doesn't mean that the friendship is over. I guess you can say I am still Will's friend. But for now I NEED to stay away from him.

Until things change, this is the last time I will mention Will in my blogs.

i did not get the job at Walgreens. No, I am not reapplying. Why should I? I already did 3 times. Screw it. I don't care anymore.

R won't be home for Thanksgiving. he won't be home until Dec. Okay..

The latest paycheck was beyond depressing. We will be a month behind again..

I'm going back to subbing. Screw it. I'll walk to East. Tired of ebing broke. Just disgusted and tired of everything.

Oh well..

That is how I feel today. I don't care about anything and I don't want to do anything. I know I wrote earlier that I thought the lamictal was working. Now I am taking 100mg a day and I'm not so sure anymore. My daughter said I seemed to have been better without it. Maybe she is right. I see the psych on the 30th. I'll see what he says.

My hair looks and feels awful. I hate it. I want to cut all of it off, and if I don't get this job at Walgreens I'm going to do it. I never want to comb it. it's dry, brittle and breaking. Too many perms. When it grows back i am thinking of getting some locks, something that I do not have to comb.

On another note, I decided to tell my husband that I have offically thrown in the towel regarding our sex life. I don't think we will ever have one again and I'm ok with that. That's all I have to say about it.

I'm going to have another cup of coffee or tea. My mouth is so dry from the meds.

later gator..

I havent written in some time because I haven't been on this site as much. This site used to be a place of comfort for me. Now it's just another website. let me update you on a few things.

first, I had a very brief chat with L about a week  ago. I told her she had no guts and I knew it was her. She blocked me but it's ok. I'm sure she got the point. I am so tired of her. I think she is calling r and then hangiing up. I know she will will make a comeback. I'll be ready for her.

The lamictal seems to be working some days and other days i am numb. I mean, i don't care about anything anymore. i don't care if r comes home or not. i don't care about the walgreens job. I don't care how i look or how the house looks. I didn't clean up for 3 weeks until the house was beyond disgusting.  I just want to get away from here sometimes because i am tired of this place, tired of being the bill payer, the housekeeper, the landcaper. I just want to be nicole for a little while. I want to touch and be touched by someone.

I'm dreaming of course. Nothing ever changes.

 I haven't blogged on here in over a month. I'm not much of a blogger anymore, but i just wanted to check in anyway.

nothing is new. no call yet from walgreens. they are still building the store. My husband won't be home until October. 3 months out. the economy is so bad that staying out that long is the only way he can make money.

I'm still sort of iffy about W. I talked to him online briefly and I sent him a note on FB but that's it. we just don't talk anymore. and even though it makes me sad sometimes, I'm ok with it. The other day it almost happened with B. he got mad because i did not finish the conversation with him that we had going via text. but i told him i was not feeling well, and i truly wasn't. still, he got all stinky about  it. I was about to say fuck him too but he came around.

It seems like the people i used to talk to online aren't around anymore. Even on FB I feel a little alienated. One thing i truly hate is writing something on someone's wall on FB and not getting a response. Nothing. Not even a 'go to hell, bitch!' But i notice their activities on other people's pages and it just irks me. I'm thinking of shutting all of my accounts, FB, MS, the whole kaboodle. What's the point of being on a social networking site if no one wants to be social with me? 

My mood lately: sigh..unmotivated. absolutely no drive to do anything. hopefully that will improve. Tomorrow I am making an appt with a doctor for a checkup. This pain in my sisde isn't going away. I want to know what it is before it becomes serious.

more later...

It has been a boring week. I haven't done much, not even cleaned. Just haven't been in the mood. I'm kind of sort of not talking to W. I know, what was it this time? Just the usual feeling that I'm being blown off. Yeah, I know. My remedy to that was not exactly mature but it's all I could think of. I did some heavy thinking about it a few days ago. If a person is not meeting my needs as a friend, then why continue the friendship? I like W. I really do. He can be a good friend. But a lot of times I feel like he's purposely ignoring me. Take last week. I hadn't really talked to him in some time. I texted him and dropped him an email but I got no response. I logged in so he could see I was on messenger, and I know he was online but he never responded to me. I can understand if a person does not want to chat. Sometimes I am online and I don't want to chat either. But if you don't want to be bothered then why not become invisible? That's what I do when I don't feel like chatting with everybody. But I am beginning to think that he just does not want to chat with me. So I removed him from my friends lists. I figured if I don't see him online I won't think about it and it won't bother me.  he sent me a message the other day but I ignored it, just the way he ignored mine. Once again, how mature..

Before things like that used to really bother me. It used to bring my mood down. I would agonize over it for days. That was the old me. The new me says in the grand scheme of things, W blowing me off is like one speck of sand on the beach that is my life. So why stress over it? 

On another note, the right side of my face is swollen. I have one of those mouth sores all the way in the back of my mouth near the jawbone. It hurts just to think about it. I hope it stops hurting before the weekend is over. I can hardly eat anything.

That's all there is for now. more later..

 It's going to feel a little weird when my husband leaves. it will just be the cat and myself for the rest of the week. I have no plans on doing anything except maybe cleaning behind the fridge and stove. I always hate doing that because I don't want to see what's back there. yesterday I cleaned behind the washer and dryer and a big palmetto bug was back there. Fortunately it was dead but I didn't know that before I let a huge scream. My husband laughed at me, but he got rid of it. Ah, the joys of living in the south. If it's not a cricket it is one of those bugs, or ants. In New York we also had ants but not the little ones. We had the big black ones. Couldn't even hang clothes out on the line because they used it as their highway. 

I reapplied at Walgreens today. Hopefully this will be the final time I will need to apply. The store is not finished yet but at least the parking lot has been paved. I hope I get it. I so need something to do. The extra money can also help pay for college for me. If I don't get a position there I am going to be very upset. I kinda feel like this is my time now. This is the time for me to get back to work and school and start moving forward with my life. The days of sitting still are coming to an end for me.

more later..

Today we dropped my daughter off at the airport to take her first plane ride to IL. This is the first time she is travelling alone.  I'm going to miss her next week but I hope she has a good time.

Today i am babysitting my nephew's 3 kids. they are BUSY!!! But we don't see them much so it's all good. I think my husband got the better end of the deal. He's babysitting the youngest who is j6 weeks old and they are both lying down in the bedroom resting.. In the meantime, the livingroom is a mess and there is already something purple and sticky on the floor. I have plenty of time to clean it later.

I stopped taking the wellbutrin the other week. The constipation was too much. The downside is that it has affected my mood. My feel good days are now sort of bleah but ok. Still no job but I have not given up the new store being built up the road.We really need the money. It's at a critical point now and every week is a hope that it will be better. Sometimes it is. I know next week it will be bad because my husband did not have one load this past week. Not one. Lord help us... 

I know it has been a long time since I wrote here. Part of me hasn't felt a need to. When I am feeling down I blog more so I must be feeling better, right?

Well, yes, sort of. I am not depressed. FOr the first time in my life I can say I am not depressed. I feel okay. Not wow! or great! but okay. and for me that is good. The only thing that has been bugging me is the fatigue. Before I was ok, energetic, ready to get up and go. These past few weeks my butt has been dragging and all I want to do is sleep. I think tomorrow i am not going to take any vistaril to help me sleep. It's possible that it is lingering too long. I also started taking the prozac in the evening because it might also be a cause of the fatigue. I stopped taking the wellbutrin temporarily because it made me very constipated. Its funny but before i wasn't having any of these side effects. why do they decide to pop up now?

SInce I last wrote about Christy nothing has happened. I took D's advice  and let it go. Why? well, part of me just doesn't care anymore. He has his life and I have mine. I won't go into detail. I will only say that my closet is not empty. i have my own skeletons..

My plan for going back to college is still with me. I just need some money to have my records released from the last college. Or maybe  will see if I can just forget it, bypass it. It's been 15 yrs now. The credits might now even count anymore. I actually look forward to going back to school. It's time I got on with my life. I want to have a degree by the time I am 45. I want to have a career shortly thereafter.

Got to keep moving forward...

ok, somebody please tell me if this makes any sense.
there is this woman named christy who is supposed to be married to a man named mike.they are friends of friends of friends of my husband's. they needed some info on how to fix their 1990 chevy cavalier.that explains the dozens of phone calls and text messages to and from my husband and christy. but wait, there is more. christy is supposedly unemployed. or is she? the phone records also show calls made to an amoco gas station up the road. guess what? a woman named christy works there. coincidence? according to my husband, yes. it's all coincidence. there is no illicit meetings, no emotional affair going on. just conicidence that all of these pieces fall so neatly into place. my husband denies everything. and me? well, i am tired of his bs. part of me doesn't even care anymore. he's a liar and a cheater and he will always be that way...

I can't sleep. Today was an okay day except for one thing: Lisa. If you go all the way back to my first blogs I mention her. She is the ex girlfriend of my husband. For the past 2 or 3 years she has been trying to worm her way back into his life. She has stalked me online, written me nasty messages, etc. Today she wrote me on Facebook  to tell me she and my husband have been talking on his other cell phone, and the reason the bill has been higher is because she is sending him pictures of herself all the time. Ok. I asked my husband and he first tried to tapdance around it and deny it but he finally admitted it. I figured he was talking to someone on that phone. He thinks he is being slick but he isn't. He thinks he can just keep telling me all kinds f lies but he can't. I am trying extremely hard not t let this get to me but it does. It's not so much that he has talked to her. It's the fact that he lied about it. Why does he continue to do that? Doesn't he get it yet? I am disappointed in him, and I am also tired. I want so badly to forget all of this because I don't want it upsetting me. SO I am trying to stuff my feelings about it. Not let it get to me. I don't know what else my husband has lied about but when he gets home I am certainly going to ask him. I also would like to see that phone. I asked him how did she get his number. He gave me some lameass story about how he had gotten texts from her and he didn't know who it was from. But somehow he managed to give her his other phone number. Now I'm beginning to feel very angry. He's playing me. he says he won't let anything come between us but he talks to this woman. he lets her in.WHy? Is he lonely on the road, bored, what? That's what I would like to know. So now, while he is probably sleeping like a baby, I'm sitting here wondering what is worng with me that I am not enough for him? And how many more lies are there that he has not told me? How many other women? Lots of questions but there will never be any answers because he will lie. That's what he does the best.